Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Dear Diary.....26th June 2018

Dear Diary.....26th June 2018

Got to bed at 3.30am after a crazy hectic night in the bar. Even with a power cut in the resort for an hour and monsoon rain the bar was full to bursting due to losing outside seating space because of the bad weather. Thanks to my mega super roof all chairs were still available.

I awoke at 4.30am to the sound of metal grinding. Bleary eyed i walked to fan to see what the noise was. That's a electrical fan not a crazy stalker fan sat in the corner of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I had a stalker for 10 years but that's another story. Turned the fan off thinking the motor was grinding. The sound continued which confused me. Then i realised it was crazy big old fat rain hitting my metal roof on my balcony, turned fan back on and crawled back in to bed, stupid rain.

Rise and shine at 6.30am, this is madness my sleeping pattern.

Big black cloud is everywhere with thunder and lightning, it looks like a U2 video. What to do today, can't go out as running out of dry trainers, don't want to be sat in a coffee shop still wearing my all in one weather proof motorcycle suit as it takes ages to get out of it then ages to get back in to it, people may think i have a serious bladder problem if i stayed sat in it.

I'll watch a film. 15 Min's and I'm bored, turn it off. I'll watch a TV series, Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, classic. 2 episodes and lose concentration, turn it off. Look out from house, rain and black skies, bugger. Time to clean the house. That took all of 10 Min's as always keep the house clean, good grief, whats the time? 9.30am. This is going to be a long day.

I try to go back to sleep. Half an hours sleep and awake again. 10am. I have a reoccurring dream of running a bar in a old church. It is all dark carved polished wood with filament bulbs for low lighting, looks great. Had about 7 dreams of same bar but each dream is a different night but bar always the same, weird. Had a dream of the bar again in my short slumber and this time it had a returning customer i had banned him in a previous dream but he wanted to come back in on a different night as it was his mates birthday, i told him no. The cheek of it, when your banned your banned. Some people.

Watch the rain from the balcony for half an hour and stood out in it just in a pair of shorts, feels quite nice, don't know what all the tourists are moaning about, its still warm.

Think I'll try to sleep on the sofa. Not happening. constantly feel like i have itchy skin. I look for ants. Can't find them. I now think the are super mutant ants using mind games so i can't settle. I will wipe you out, do not think you will win this war.

Go back to bed. Can hear the rain outside. I close the windows. Can still hear the rain outside. I close all the doors. Can still hear the rain outside. I open all the windows and doors and have a shower. Rain outside shower inside, water water everywhere, not going to win today am i?
Still only 1pm aaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Flick between, TV and films all afternoon. 5pm, may as well go to bar. Guess what? Its still raining.

Bar is all nice and dry in under roof, brilliant.

Open at 7pm and bar full by 8.30pm, customers turning up in taxis, that's dedication for you. I'm amazed.

Great night considering its been horrible all day and night but still raining as i make my way home.
Please no more rain as only got one pair of trainers left, 4 are on the line drying. Maybe i should ride barefoot, OUCH!, i think not but then again i could file my toenails down on the tarmac as i go.

Whats for supper? Cold hot dogs and smooth Branston pickle on toast with a mini chocolate croissant for dessert. I know how to live, life of luxury.

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Dear Diary.....19th June 2018

Dear Diary.....19th June 2018

I'm going to use a different wake up saying every entry if possible. Up with the larks at 6.15am.  At this rate i will not be sleeping at all, after all i only got to sleep at 4.30am. I have gone 96 hours without sleep in 1994 but not advised if I'm being honest as i got banned from the only bar open in Hersonissos, Crete called "The Black Cat" before the season started for spraying beer as i thought i was James Hunt (Google him) and i started to hallucinate that Medusa the Gorgon was after me after seeing a sign for a club called Medusa.

Decided to have myself another pool day. Am i being a bit extravagant? 2 pool days in a month?
All bar chores done by 9.30am and at the pool 9.45am. Still no one there but not complaining, pool all to myself.
Sunbathed for 45 Min's, time for a dip. Sat at edge of pool and heard a "plop" next to me. Looked in the pool and saw a frog at the bottom.
What is it with me, pools and insects/reptiles committing suicide whenever i decide to go for a swim.
Remembered, frogs are amphibious so i watched it swim. Was going to follow it around pool edge to see how it got out but may have looked odd. Perhaps i should swim after it to see what it will do next but then saw it could swim faster and better than me. I'll just flop in and swim opposite direction. How will it get out on those ladders? I have a problem using the pool ladders with my short legs, that frog got no chance.

11am and I've had enough. Riding home and got stung in the centre of my chest by another black stingy thing, both hands got pins and needles instantly. These black stingy things are starting to annoy me.

Swept through house and found a rogue ant from the gang that are hiding somewhere. Picked it up to take a closer look. It is an ant but not a normal colour or looking one, fast little bugger, one clap and ant no more. Not so smart now are you.

Time for work. What will tonight bring. World cup has had no effect whatsoever on the bar but there again everywhere else is showing it, if you don't want football only one place without it, Oceanic. A few others said they weren't going to show it but they've given in.

Home and time for supper, Gruel or Frosted Shreddies? If i had been in the workhouse in Dickens times i could of survived easily, Gruel is great, just one teaspoon of sugar and I'd be happy. I am eating it allot though.
No, i got some black pudding and beans, I'm eating in style tonight.

Cause i have made cold beans on top of hot black pudding people will be thinking eeeewwww! If Heston or Gordon had made it they're a genius and you'd pay £200 for it just cause they made it. Some people are so fickle.

I think I'll try to use a new word every day.
Because i made black pudding and beans and it wasn't Heston or Gordon my dish is Floccinaucinihilipilification.
That's a very long word, will never remember that.

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Dear Diary........13th June 2018

Dear Diary........13th June 2018

An amazing weekend over with and off she goes back to the UK after celebrating her birthday on Saturday with a trip all around the island on the bike, lunch of fresh fish at Kampi Cross Taverna and closed bar early (midnight) for a night out in Zakynthos Town, great day, not long till she's back, can't wait.

I alighted from my bed at 6.30 am, bugger, what do i do now?

UK motorbike needed a service and clutch cable had snapped so being as I'm awake may as well push bike in to town while cool.
Good job i keep myself fit, pushing this bike 3km would be a killer, its so heavy.
A puppy of about 5 months is barking at me from side of road, really cute, so i try to call it over. It won't come. Another larger dog appears, and another and another, the fourth is quite big and doesn't look happy, i don't mean it looked sad, it looked mental angry. Time to push bike quicker. They follow barking and jumping at other side of road. I push quicker, they follow. I run. they follow, this went on for 1.5 km.
I remember reading a news article about a man that had been torn apart by stray dogs but left his torso. If i was a dog it eat the torso. On a chicken everyone wants the body meat not the legs and wings, why would the dogs want the legs and arms and leave the torso? Stop thinking about them leaving your torso. Bugger, no water or money. Mouth really dry. Bet those dogs have water.

Get to bike shop but doesn't open till 10, time is now 8am. Will walk back and come back in on other bike later. Decided not to walk as dogs may bully me again. TAXI!

10am i go to garage, i tell my mechanic to sort everything that needs sorting on bike. I tell him to take his time and will pick it up Monday. He tells me to come back at midday on Monday, not 11am. That's very specific for a Greek.

Time for bar chores. Visited the same shop where the begging child was. Parked next to shop to save getting pestered. The car park is huge and empty. Are there people in this world who don't know what a parking space is for? There is always someone who parks anywhere, this time a car on a disabled wheelchair area and a bike in the middle of the lane. I was amazed to find out a Zakynthian friend of mine has been driving a car without taking a test for 20 years. His reply was "If the police don't stop and fine someone for pulling barriers out of the road to get on to pedestrian area, why would they stop me?". There is logic in that reply somewhere.

Back home sat on balcony and Biscuit has gone. Will have to ask landlord where he has taken him. Watched an ant. Do they actually have a purpose with their day? This ant was all over the place. Left, right then left again then a circle, then straight then right then left. Do ants get sunstroke? It definitely seemed dazed and confused. I would have helped it but i didn't know where it wanted to go.

Bar was extremely busy once again. It will be nice to have a quiet steady one one night. Body is feeling the pace already. Will have to start my 4 bath routine early this year when i get in from work to help with cramping. Hot bath, Cold bath, Hot bath, Cold bath, bed. What a pain in the ass.

Whats for supper? Gruel or Weetabix. Gruel is becoming an addiction but will go cold turkey tonight. I don't mean I'm going to eat cold turkey i mean I'm going without gruel and having weetabix.

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Dear Diary........6th June 2018

I arose bright eyed and bushy tailed at a stupid 6.30 am after only 2 hours sleep. Make mental note drink more Jack Daniels before bedtime.

Decided to give the house a good sweep through. Still can't find the ant lair. Very frustrating.

Went shopping at 8am. Parked the bike up and walked across car park. As i walked a little girl about 9-10 walked with me begging as we walked, she looked hungry, sad and tired. I put my hand in my pocket to get out a euro and then i noticed something. As i looked down at my pocket i saw that the girl had a new pair of Nike air force one trainers on. Any beggar who can afford a better pair of trainers than i can doesn't need my money. Talk to the hand as your getting nothing, NAH!
In the UK i always look at homeless peoples shoes, that's a good sign. Also seen a few using Apple I phones, Where do they recharge them? Where is the address for a contract phone? and how can they afford it if homeless?

Went for a early morning coffee. Underneath a seat i saw a little puppy that was sleeping, wish i was sleeping. When she woke and opened her eyes she had one light blue eye and one brown eye, In my head i called her Bowie. Aren't dogs with light blue eyes (apart from huskies) mental?
Didn't stroke her to find out.

Gin is the mad craze this year, next year it will be something else, these drink popularity always die out, it was Mojitos last year. I served a lady a Tanqueray London Dry gin with a slice of lime tonight, anyone would have thought i had shot her dog by the look on her face when i gave it to her. She berated me for serving it with a lime and not a orange slice "Tanqueray is always with a orange slice", i apologised as I'm no gin expert and replaced her drink no problem. She returned 2 more times with her husband and we got on fine after that.
Bar was very busy again tonight, not complaining and as from Saturday its Midnight close every Saturday from then on, better to have a few hours chill out in Zakynthos town after i close than to close for a full day.
Got home and checked out what should be served with Tanqueray London Dry Gin on the official Tanqueray website, the accompanying slice of fruit is in fact a lime it stated, So i was right with lime, back of the net.

Gruel for supper. Will be so glad when Iceland opens. Won't sleep much due to a certain arrival tomorrow, can't wait.

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Dear Diary.......3rd June 2018

Sunday 3rd June 2018, day of rest.

Today is the first day i ventured to the pool since i arrived on the 8th April.

Arrived 9.30 am to a empty pool area, pick of the sunbeds for me, just how i like it.

Front of body first today then back the next time i come to pool.

After half an hour i decided to have a dip in the pool. After 2 long widths of doggy paddle it was time to rest at the side of the pool staying in the water.

Watched a wasp hover by pool side then commit suicide by plunging itself in to the water. What does a wasp have to be depressed about or did it just get tired and fall in to pool?
I thought of rescuing it but it would only sting me if i did, no gratitude at all.
I've been stung 4 times this season while riding my bike by little black flying insects, one sting on my left shoulder gave my hand pins and needles.
Some of the wasps and flying stingy things have got caught inside my shirt, I've tried to release them from my shirt before they sting me so they are free but they always sting me, ungrateful little blighters.
The human equivalent would be someone stuck in a toilet and a nice person trying to free you, when they do get you out you then punch that person in the face, no gratitude.

90 mins later i'm ready to go. After all i do have 6 months to get a tan and your skin will only tan to a certain colour anyway so whats the point in tanning day after day all day once your at your peak colour?

As i left there was only one other person at pool. Is this hotel haunted?

Time for lunch, do i have oats and cold milk (think that's called Gruel) or noodle roll? Gruel it is as to hot for a oriental noodle bag in fresh rolls.

The second most exciting thing to ever happen to me on this island is happening soon, Iceland supermarket is opening. I can eat as much crap quick frozen food as i like. Excited beyond belief. The first most exciting thing is my partner arrives Thursday.

Off to work i go, Biscuit fed, CHECK. Never sure how Sundays will be what with big change over day, really hit or miss.
My oh my, tonight was a huge HIT. Would think of getting help but i can cope with 42 customers by myself so why pay for staff. Also i'm a tight ass.

Home time, What to have for supper? Gruel or Pot Pasta. Gruel it is. Started to think of the film Oliver Twist, don't know why.

Time for bed, what do i watch to fall asleep to, Inbetweeners, Family Guy, Toast of London or Alan Partridge? Family Guy as have over 100 episodes so should fall asleep at some point with that many.

Added another song to my songs of the season, an old one but a classic i think you'll agree.

All i can can say after watching that clip is, My Oh My what are they wearing? Also doesn't the lead singer look like the bad guy Sensei John Kreese out of Karate kid.

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!

Friday, 1 June 2018

Dear diary..........30th May 2018

30th May 2018

Got to bed at 3.30am, Great night in bar and totally exhausted. When will they experiment with full body transplant?

Woke up at 5am. Why do people write "Woke up" in diaries? If i hadn't I'd be dead and i wouldn't be writing my diary.
Woke up 5AM with intense stomach cramp, not sure why, hadn't eaten anything weird or re-heated. Wanted to be ill but just wasn't happening. Sat in bathroom for an hour.
Why do toes move? I watched my toes while sat in bathroom. I wasn't thinking "Move toes" but they were moving. I know i have to move my legs as that makes me walk but why do toes move by themselves?
Looking at my feet they seem in very good condition considering every toe in both feet has been broken at some point. One person once said my feet look like a Hobbits feet. Did that person know something i didn't? Aren't Hobbits fictional creatures?

Got back to bed at 7AM to try to get a little more sleep.
Woke back up at 9AM bursting for a wee. As i wee'd my water went from the normal colour to red. With the intense stomach cramp and red wee have i got internal problems? I started to panic. Then i remembered i had  had a fresh beetroot sandwich the day before, Phew, panic over.

Noticed many ants around the house lately so i have set up a devious cunning plan. I will place a sugar hill on the floor, follow the trail of ants to their lair and wipe them out once and for all. That will show them.

Decided to get my stock then rest for the day after my stomach cramp and beetroot trauma.

Biscuit is outside calling, he will have to wait till its his treat time which is 5.30PM before i head to bar.

Didn't sleep much as stomach was shouting at me. My stomach is so loud when it grumbles, sounds like a bubbling pot in a huge cave. Amazing how much noise a 30" waistline can make. Must google why stomachs rumble.

Something else that has me perplexed. In all adverts and TV programmes cockerels crow at dawn, so how come my 4 cockerels can't tell the time? Morning, afternoon and night its "cocka doodle doin". Is there a way to reset their body clock?

Time for work, feel much better but not eaten, one square of chocolate for some sugar and peach ice tea for fluids. Wee is now back to normal colour.

Bar was much quieter tonight which was a blessing after being so manic through most of May and with me not feeling 100% so it was a welcome rest bite. What does that mean "Rest bite"? Must google that.

Got home 2.45AM with ant killer in hand ready to take my revenge.
The sugar hill has gone and so have the ants, these are no ordinary ants, BUGGER!

Time for bed. TV in bedroom now only has 4 channels. How? Never mind, its a smart TV so will watch "Toast of London" off the USB stick. Cockerels are telling me its time to wake up, no its not its only 4AM. Must get ammunition tomorrow.

Serve All. Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!

New t-shirt for you.

Sold three already.