The red carpet is laid out, the press arrive, lights, cameras, action. Its the 3rd biggest awards ceremony of the year, Its "THE OCEANICS".
And here is your host, the short ass welsh forrest gump, Kevlar.
"Thank you for that wonderful introduction, i'd like to welcome you all to these awards, as you know its been a great 6 month season and its time to honour the brave, the pleasant, the beautiful and the stupid. These awards were founded 5 minutes ago and as you can see have stood the test of time and hopefully will carry on doing so for minutes to come. So lets crack on as i know a few of our guests have paint they need to watch dry.. The awards are in order of merit so the biggest award will be presented last"
The award for "Most questions asked in a night" goes to Chloe of jonlouisechloe.
Lovely little chloe or "Alice" as i had to call her hit me with more questions than a game of trivial pursuit but she was such a sweetie that i tried as best as i could to answer everything she had to give. but unfortunately i couldn't keep up with the pace.
The award for " I'm going to save every stray dog in the world" goes to lesley
Lesley is a really nice lady and god does she love dogs, if she could get every stray home into her house i reckon she would, sorry andrew buddy your in the tent.
The award for "I'm not meant to drink" goes to Les
Les is a 86 year old teenager who has been visiting the island for 20 years and drank in my bar every night for his 2 weeks, his Doc told him that he musn't drink anymore, 2 halfs lager and 6 glasses of rose wine later he wasn't sprinting across to his room at the cavo dora.
The award for "Doggy bag of the season" goes to carol (caz) & sam
It was a great honour to recieve this doggy bag as it was the best pizza i had tasted and i have been named their official "pizza left over eater"
The award for "Clueless" goes to Sandra & Emma lou
After me telling these 2 fine young ladies to visit Gastronomy Restaurant And gave them directions and they said they were going there they ended up 1ooo metres away from it and in another restaurant that sounds and looks nothing like the restaurant i described. They even come back to my bar thinking they had been to said restaurant and made out it was great just to save from hurting my feelings as it was actually rubbish.
The award for "better try another cocktail" goes to Marie
Marie a lovely lady with a hidden passion for cocktails most nights arrived around midnight but sure made up for it, one night Marie and her husband went through the whole specials cocktail menu, i almost closed for the season there and then.
The award for "biggest round of the season" goes to Sam of Carol & sam
Sam (or my dad as i labelled him this night) Bought a round of shots for everyone in the bar although he didn't know he had till i was telling everyone he had bought them, yammas sam!
The award for "Oooh i think i like that" goes to Steve of Joanne & Steve
Steve doesn't drink much, yeah right, on his first holiday to my bar Steve drank almost 2 litres of Jack Daniels in a week, wow where did he put it all as he's not that big a fella LOL
The award for "Polish work like ethics" goes to Amy & Ellie
These 2 lovely young ladies helped me out collecting glasses and making their own drinks for no pay which is my type of worker.
The award for "Karaoke singer of the year without a karaoke" goes to Colin
Colin along with Les (86) and Joe (70) had a sing along consisting of Frank Sinatras "my way" the only problem was they only knew the first verse and repeated it about 20 times.
The Award for "Help! i'm a customer, get me out of here" goes to Annette of Chris & Annette
My toilet door has a lock that that locks twice, so if you turn it the wrong way when you want to leave it double locks it so when you turn it once the other way it still locks, Annette on her 7 day holiday locked herself in the toilet 5 of her 7 visits.
The award for " Mines a Mythos Red" Goes to Matt
Not only did he drink me dry of it he also drank the second case i ordered in for him, after he left i had 1 lonely bottle left, he better come back next season to drink it.
The award for "Outstanding Contribution to my private yacht" goes to Alan & June
Wow you guys can drink for pensioners, lager followed by vodka followed by brandy, thats all i'm going to say.
The award for "Cigar smoker of the season" goes to Nigel
One night i offered Nigel to join me in a cigar, after that he bought me about 3 tins for the ones he smoked of mine, my pleasure Nigel
The Award for "Is that the time?" goes to Aaron and Kate
After a nice night of drinks and chat we realised the sun had come up and it was 6am, wow time flies when your getting drunk.
The award for "Best dressed in a drinking roll" goes to Janice & Phil
Every night they were immaculate, their foot servant must get paid well.
The award for "Most boring drinker and lightweight" goes to Emma Lou
Well what can i say TEA or WATER! Although she did push the boat out one night and had a cocktail but was very drunk after it, good job her son Harrison was with her to show her the way home.
The award for "Expedition to the Oceanic" goes to Dave Cleathro
He travelled down from Alykes for 1 drink and a chat, much appreciated and lovely to meet you.
The award for "Most help from another business" goes to Veronica & Derek of the Lighthouse restaurant and Akis from the Cavo Dora hotel
These 3 people were the best, they helped me so much and i am forever in your debt, thank you oh so much.
OK this is the big one, there were many other awards but for every person who has won a award a free drink of your choice has been given to you on your next visit, thats why i didn't put all the awards on, i'm a tight ass, LOL
The Award for "Customer of the season" goes to Geoff
He was one of my first customers, drank me out of much Metaxa, brought me a food parcel, helped promote the bar with some great funny pics in his own time and generally a all round nice guy.
I hope you enjoyed the awards, i'm now going to get drunk in the V.I.P. lounge with Angelina Jolie.