Sunday, 25 January 2009

Gordon Ramsay? Who's that?

Well today its been a lovely day in sunny swansea so i went for my daily 6 mile walk along the beach then decided to bake a pie, a cake and make a stir fry, don't faint now will you!

Back last year i think it was Feb i applied to be on Gordon Ramsays show, i sent in my signature dish which is Malibu Cream Chicken and if i was succesful i would have to cook off against him well i was successful and had to go to bristol on the 5th may to film it but as we all know my bar was open then so i missed out on a chance to cook with one of my heros, good old f*@!ing Gordon b*@!*cks Ramsay. Since then i've been afraid to go back in the kitchen, my hands shook, my confidence with raw ingredients shattered, looking at kitchen utensils used to make me breakdown and cry, so this weekend on sunday i had to battle my demons and get back in kitchen and cook one of the hardest things ever, A JAM SPONGE!

My god what if i didn't make enough sponge mix, is the oven at the right temperature and the worst of all failures which would lead me to cut up my Deliah Smith cook books THE SPONGE DOESN'T RISE AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

I needed some back up so i called for the assistance of the only person that cooks better than anyone else you know of in the whole world, your mum. (Not your mum, my mum, well you know what i mean)

So we started with the hardest task first a jam sponge, take no prisoners, he who dares wins, you got to be in it to win it, to death or glory and all the other make yourself feel good motto's. Also this was the first time i had made a sponge cake so using this strange machine called "weighing scales" was like the caveman when he first saw fire, UGGH, WHAT DAT, IT MOVE, EVIL EVIL!
My method is more subtle, grab a handful of each ingredient, mash it together, make enough for a army base, use a 16th of mixture, bin the rest. Like all great Chefs my mum kept me in check, a quick smack over the head with a spatular and i was back on track. After the sponge survived my confidence flooded back and went on to make a corned beef hash pie and worcester sauce chicken stir fry, So here are the results:-


THE FINISHED PRODUCT (and it was at first attempt)




So if anyone is looking for a traveling chef my rates are very good, better than these so called "CELEB CHEFS".

Heston "arty farty" Blumenthal - The only reason people pay £250 per head at his place is so they can boast "i've ate at The Fat Duck". Its not like you eat snail porridge every day but he cooks it better so thats why you go there, at £250 per head for 5 forks full of food his place should be called "The Anorexic Mallard" you wouldn't leave there full and it would be a month before you could buy any more food.

Jamie "i'm a plastic cockney geezer" Oliver with his new programme "Jamie saves our bacon" where he is going to save british bacon by showing us a piglet being born in the studio then a fully grown pig being used for bacon, WHAT? My favourite Winnie the Pooh Characters were Eeyore and Piglet, Piglet that shy stuttering lovable pink ball of fluff, also who could forget Babe the sheep pig, aawwwww how cute and Jamie is going to show us a piglet being born then hacked up for some streaky bacon. How the hell is that going to help we'll be going AWWWW BLESS and giving up bacon, PUKKA, idiot LOL

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Happy christmas, happy new year and the end of my medical research!

I know, i know its taken me long enough to update it but its been a long December and have been pretty busy but now all the madness is over i'm back getting excited already about the new season but before that lets catch up on December.

My medical research was a success and would like to thank all the lovely nurses and doctors at Simbec. They always woke me with a smile and a cold pair of hands ready for the days fun and games. I was judging them on Their bedside manner, number of times they smiled and how deep they poked around for blood in my veins. All the nurses passed with flying colours on the first to accounts but when it came to taking blood samples the odd one made it feel like they were drilling for oil but with a stiff upper lip and back bone of steel i didn't let it show.

Here i am sat in my hospital bed, or so it seems from the way the nurse took the photo.

But she was careful only to take the pic from shoulders up.

I thought i was going in for routine research but in fact i was in for the clonning of nipples for Jordan, Pamela Anderson and Jodie marsh after their boob jobs but as you can see the first atempt went slightly wrong with centre of nipples offset also the colour seems to be a bit extreme.


As you can see there is nothing to worry about doing medical research HAHA!

As for Christmas and New Years Its the usual old thing, lots of unhealthy food and snacks, lots of prezzies and crap TV that we have to pay for. I can remember that a fortnight before christmas we would get the Radio Times and circle the programmes and movies we would want to watch over christmas, now its all repeats or crap shows. I also remember when a show would be shown you either watched it or taped it as it wasn't shown again, now its repeated 3 times in a week or repeated on another channel. If you actually looked at a weeks viewing in the past every day had a complete listing of new programmes but if you looked today i'd say a 1/4 to a 1/3 are repeats, what a con!

Anyway lets back to being positive, the season 09 is only 4 months away and even with britain becoming even more of a dump and the pound to euro being total pants i can't wait to get back to Zakynthos to open my bar and enjoy the beautiful island and its people. I've heard the odd tourist complain that the island is a bit behind the times but let me tell you this, it may be behind the times but the people are alot happier and friendly on the island than in this miserable depressing country we call "Great Britain" although i have noticed the "Great" part of it is not being used so much and just calling it "Britain". What i'm trying to say is the pound may be weak to the euro but i know alot of people who are alot happier on holiday on Zakynthos than at home in the UK, the holidays may coat the same or a bit more but would you prefer to pay over £500 for a week in UK with crap weather and get less food and drink for your pound or eat and drink outside in the warm night air with more for your pound? I know which i'd choose but then again i live there WOOHOO!