Friday, 29 June 2007

Where's my bar?

My bar is on the old road of kalamaki opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel.

Its ok its not a mis-type its just nice to be able to tell people freely where it is LOL

When 2 titans collide!

I've been in my alcohol laboratory creating the frankensteins monster of the bar world, hahahahahahahahah! Oh yes my precious you shall be the ultimate in drink sensations, i call on the winds, sea, earth, lightning and the gods, come alive my creation rise up the bottle and show yourself in all your glory, ITS ALIVE, ALIVE I TELL YOU!

You all want to know don't you, well its mine all mine hahahahahahaha! Stop trying to see through your webcams, its locked away in a chilled device ready to unleash its full wrath upon anyone who dares to drink it, and it shall be called GUMMY BEAR VODKA!

A large bag of gummy bears sacrificed their lives to make this creation come alive but they did it with honour falling in to the bottle 1 by 1 like paratroopers jumping to a certain death mission.

Monday, 25 June 2007

Wow i'm hot!

No i'm not talking about my handsome good looks, athletic physique or that cheeky welsh smile i mean the temperature. If i was something cooking device i'd say i would be between a george forman grill and charcoal heated BBQ i'm that bloody hot, so thats hotter than a toaster just in case so you can judge for yourselves how hot it is.

On a very odd note i spotted a blind person riding a scooter, how did i know he was blind cause he still had his white stick with black handle fully extended out to the side, I KID YOU NOT!

The bar is going very very well, for the past week between 9.30pm and midnight almost every seat is taken but its like tipsy musical chairs when a sofa becomes available so i have to almost be like a boxing Ref to stop any fights but all my customers are very polite so i don't have to jump in and split the handbags up, the atmosphere in my bar amongst the customers is almost like a garden party with cucumber sandwiches, jolly good show.

NOTE TO SELF: get more sofas

Monday, 18 June 2007

The secret diary of kevlar aged 38 and 3/4

As the heading says its a secret LOL I will save all the scandal, gossip, drunken nights, crazy mornings and ouzo fuelled orgies for my autobiography
"KEVLAR - Through hell and back"

As of yet i haven't even got a page one as nothing has happened, oh hang on i ate 6 crumpets at 5am in the morning, wow how wild am i!

Although my fictional private life is now sweeping its way across the uk through the internet, soon Channel 5 will pick up on it and start a docu-soap as its so thrilling my alternate life, It will be a cross between The Office and Carry on, lots of humour but no actual nookey.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

I've decided to become a poet

In my spare time i've watched the flowers in the wind, with the sun gently teasing their petals, the kittens play beneath the trees as the dogs sleep without a care, in the distance childrens laughter is heard along with the splashing of water, people wander not knowing where they're going but don't really mind, a white van passes with a loud speaker on top shouting out "get your plant pots, plastic balcony furniture and size 11 trainers here" , cars wheel spin with banging music blasting out, The lovely screaching sound of a motorbike doing 100 miles per hour races by you as you relax with a frappe, rose sellers bugging you by stroking your newly groomed hair till you buy a dead rose, Time share touts shove leaflets under your nose to buy a property that you can never get the dates you want, What a wonderful world.

What you think for a first attempt LOL

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Why are people so nasty.

Why are some people so nasty when they don't even know you or met you, the incident i'm speaking of is......NORMAL SHREDDIES IN A FROSTED SHREDDIES BOX! Why would someone at Nestle be so horrible, my world almost fell apart.
What, i have to put my own sugar on? its just not the same, i need that lovely sweet coating that also flavours the milk. Good job i had a back up packet.

Apart from that major trauma yesterday it was a lovely day by the pool with a ice tea and fruit salad, have to keep the body in trim ready for when i get into my speedos and sandals (that is a joke by the way). The pool was empty so i made the most of it splashing about like a dolphin at sea world having a sprat held up for him to do a trick apart from i don't eat fish or have a tail or fin or blow hole or click or jump through hoops, really thinking about i was nothing like a dolphin more like a short ass welshman drowning but i enjoyed it even though a rather large bellied dutch person looked at me in disgust as i got water on him while he was standing at edge of pool thrusting his possing pouch out in what i think was some sort of exercise or maybe it was a mating ritual to a elderly lady across the other side of pool, either way this splash of cold water stopped him in his tracks and made him look like a big girl. Oh well he can show off his amazing display today without any worry.

Monday, 11 June 2007

Time to get a tan.

Well its time to frighten the turtles back into the see and strip off to my shorts to expose this very pastey coloured body to those wonderful UV rays (Disclaimer: i do not promote the use of the suns powers to get a golden tan).

Its an amazing sight to behold, FIRST DAY SUNTAN! Doesn't the human body look great with the amazing hint of lobster suntan and sock or strap marks. This years collection from the catwalks of New York, Paris, Milan and Blackpool, "Here we have Kate Moss wearing the vest with halter neck bikini strap marks and the albatross arm position due to sunburn", "And for the men Tyson is wearing the brown sandal with blue and red trim white socks accompanied by the to tight pair of Speedos and bum bag look" MMMM how fetching. To be at the top of the fashion tree you must have all 4 items for the gents.

I must admit only seen 2 gentlemen at the height of fashion this season so far and they were dutch, i think.

Happy safe tanning people!

Saturday, 9 June 2007

There is a bike under all that dirt.

Today is a day for much celebration, I cleaned my bike, i mean not just a sprinkle of water, i took all the seats and saddle bags off and actually used a towel to clean it.

Yes hard to imagine i know me with marigolds on rubbing my engine (please no rude replies at this point) but being as i had my hose out i thought i would give it a once over (again please this is a family friendly blog). Reading back over that last sentence it could be a sketch from a bad carry on film.

The sun is shinning here and i must admit everything is going swimmingly in the kevlar world and couldn't have asked for a better start. I have frosted Shreddies, black pudding and treacle pudding and now found a supermarket selling crumpets. 3.10 euro for 6 not bad when you haven't had a bit of crumpet for a while.

At this point i will stop typing as it is turning into a carry on film. I shall wait till the spirit of Sid James has left me before i post again HA,HA,HA.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

"Maybe we'll get to bust some heads along the way"

Its ok i'm not being violent its a quote from most probably the most amazing film ever to be made "The Warriors". So this post is dedicated to "Ajax" who adds comments to my blog as i believe that that is the reason for your fine username?

Anyway enough back slapping, The old lady seems to have left me for now but she's a cheeky minx.

My bar is becoming this strange phenomenon as "the bar that doesn't exist" Its name gets wiped from all known files, just to utter its name can cause grief and woh, next you'll see blurred pictures of the bar popping up from a loch or running towards trees away from cameras, holidaymakers will say they've seen it but no one will believe them, "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE" The Oceanic files.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

The old lady has possesed me again! AAGGGH!

"oops dear, who's your lady friend, who's the little girlie by your side" Its a strange occurance, every now and again i break out into songs from the war. "hey nonny nonny, fiddle de dee" Stop it your old bag. As people may already know i like my rock/indie music so breaking out into these songs is embarrasing "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs over dover" i said shut it you fausty old woman, be gone and leave me to sing proper songs.

Anywhooo, thank you to the readers of this serious blog i've set up and BOO! to those who make out they don't read it, you know who you are you naughty people LOL

Monday, 4 June 2007

Wow, I didn't realise my life was so interesting

Well from what i'm hearing about my life on the island i'm having a amazing time, wish i knew about it LOL

My little accident on my bike has ended up being a head on collision with a coach and pulled from an almost burning wreck, wrong!
I have a lady in my life a making loads of amazing whoopee, Wrong! (I WISH)
I will be out of business by september, Wrong! I'm paid up front till next season and only been open 5 days and the landlord is giving me may next season free as i couldn't open till now so i'm here till at least june 2008, sorry. LOL.
I'm strange, because i keep myself to myself and very private and don't join in with the rumours and gossip, Wrong! its called i got better things to do with my life like pick belly button fluff out of my naval.

So here's the reality and direct from the strange stuntman stud who's going out of business.

I wake up clean my bar, go to beach or pool, have a siesta then open bar, close bar then go home have frosted shreddies then go to bed, Wow how exciting is my life, well the frosted shreddies part is anyway LOL

Any questions about my amazing life don't hesitate to ask and i'll put the rumours straight for you.
(Kevlar has the right to the 5th amendment on certain topics such as height, weight and bank balance) LOL

Saturday, 2 June 2007

3 days open, 3 days good

Well i'm not Richard Branston (or is that the pickle) yet but i've hit my target 3 out of 3 but in any business you take the rough with the smooth so not expecting to hit it every night but its a nice relief to do so after all the effort and time i put into getting it open. Using the first week as trial to iroon out any wrinkles, shame it couldn't iron out the bags from under my eyes, first night closed 4.30am, second 3am and last night 2am but 2am is the time i'm looking at closing but if the people are drinking i'm there with them no problem.

The feed back so far from all my customers is good and i'm bringing back the art of conversation in bars, i better start to learn some new long words to impress the clients LOL perhaps that welsh town with train station, you know the one, SPITFLEMHACKGOBDRIBBLECOUGHSPLURGEBELCHGOGOGOCH!