Tuesday, 21 August 2012

And we're in to the home stretch, Driving lessons here i come!

Well folks we're coming towards the end of what i call "Awful August" in Kalamaki  as it usually is and almost in the home stretch. To be fair this season Awful August has been more like Amazing August. Its been one of my best Augusts but the nights have been very hit and miss with the drinking times. Some nights empty till late then non stop till early hours other nights ram packed early then steady till early hours. This week not been closing till about 5am. In fact its now 7.15am and closed at 5.45am. I took my bike "Ghost" in to town straight after work ready for its service at 10am. 2 flat tyres, no lights, no brakes but engine was fine all the way there. On the way to town i thought I'd put some air in the tyres so i started to pull in to the petrol station only to be chased back out again by a very angry Rottweiler that i had woke up. You ever tried to outrun an angry dog with 2 flat tyres, lets just say its head got a few kicks and i was close to having brown jeans if you know what i mean LOL.

"Why were you at Oceanic till so late?" i hear you all ask with a child like wonder, well boys and girls, i got in to an in depth discussion about a very serious rock documentary called "Spinal Tap" then it progressed to bands and singers, Chris told me about band called Police...... how do i put this, lets just say the second word is something to do with "Your fathers the milkman or postman, I'm not sure". So i will have a listen to them later, then Sandra told me about an up and coming young singer called Rick Astley that she thought was super dooper and has all his records, i must try to find him on you tube. To be honest every night when we're in Oceanic till the early hours its like a late night drunken version of "Jukebox Jury" we sit there and when a song comes on we usually comment on it like "Crap" or "Brilliant", Micheal Bubble came on (yes i know i spelt it wrong i was meant to) and all 5 of us were violently sick.

The Oceanic this season has become like Wild Kingdom of Kalamaki what with frogs, lizards, cats and dogs all visiting at some point. Few nights ago it was a puppies turn I named him "Rock Pup" he was so cute i was gutted when Helen said i couldn't keep him but she was right. So i fed him, watered him and made him a little bed when i closed the bar so he could stay there till morning as he had stayed in the bar all night while i was open.

Awww Rock Pup, he's buggered off now though LOL.

This winter i am learning to drive. Yes i know I'm 44 this year and should be able to drive but I've always had motorbikes since i was 16 but i decided to take driving lessons after i saw this car in Zakynthos Town, its called a Gwiz or to give it another name a mobility scooter with a shell LOL.
I mean, what the hell is this car. Firstly its a horrible shape, secondly it goes slower than me running to the supermarket and thirdly why the hell would you choose the colours that make it look like a Kinder egg toy. I bet you were thinking i wanted to learn to drive so i could have one of these cars, nope, i want to learn to drive so i can ram a Gwiz off the road.

How did this car even make the journey over here, IT'S A MIRACLE!

My enforcers decided to come and make sure everything was OK with me in Kalamaki. They are both Joy Division fans so they ordered a t-shirt each but both had different lyrics on them, one had "She's Lost Control" the other had "New Dawn Fades". They wanted to have a picture taken with me with all of us in our t-shirts to show them off. I agreed but i insisted they must keep their identities a secret due to them watching over me while I'm on the island. As you can see their biceps are wider than my head but i think you'll agree my arms look the most toned LOL. As someone said "we'd make a good front row".

The enforcers are here, don't mess with the short ass ha ha

Its been a great week with great customers, great friends and even better music but alas the punk music will be put to bed for what is usually a whole year but this time it will only be till October, WAYHAY! And the lovely Helen is out before that so i got 2 months of good cheer to finish the season off along with lots of friends arriving in Sept and Oct.

Well this update hasn't taken so long as i typed some of it yesterday but its now 7.59am and going in to town at 10am so no sleep till this afternoon.

Oh forgot to say one thing, if you are coming to visit Oceanic No, I DON'T HAVE WIFI! Does my bar look that hi tech? I haven't even got a TV aerial or a telephone line. When people ask have i got wifi and i say "no sorry" you would think that by the look on their face that i had just taken their treasured and beloved pet and shot it in front of them LOL. Remember that thing on the front of your face with teeth and a tongue, its called a mouth, try remembering how to socialise without using facebook ha ha. Also whats with restaurants having wifi now, how anti-social is that, usually after a meal you'd have a coffee and chat, now its heads down, fingers out and start swiping in silence. Bad move restaurants, don't like that idea at all.

A picture re-construction of a wifi addict being told " sorry no wifi" LOL

So its goodbye from me and goodbye from....... just remembered I've never been in the Two Ronnies, so its just goodbye from me LOL.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

What do you call a guy with 2 motorbikes that don't work?


Good morning folks, well its morning here, just closed the bar and its 4am, i must stop drinking Oshee energy drinks with vodka lol.

So what you all been up to? Anything interesting? Well its all go here on the island but where do i start, well what if i told you that I've won the lottery, WOOHOO! No, i haven't actually. What if i told you I've £100 in a beauty contest and go directly to old Kent road, Yeehaa! No that hasn't happened either. What if i told you we lost electric to the whole island, ooooOOOOHHH! Now that did happen. I thought the days were long gone when resorts were left in darkness but it seems not. First one phase of electric went but that was OK as everything was still running in my bar at least. Then they turned the whole resort off for about an hour. Complete darkness. Lucky for me that one night earlier in the week one of the deaf sellers had had a bumper night sales in the bar and gave me a torch that straps to your head for free. It was very useful as i could still make drinks and look like a Dalek. At one point i strapped it to my wrist and pretended i was The Predator as it also has a red lazer, aaaaAAAAHHHHH! After an hour the lights came back on and would you believe it the butler had been murdered, NNNOOOooooooooo.

Oceanic in darkness, Alfred, my poor butler, how could someone do such a thing ha ha.

So I've been in to town loads last week as the T-shirts are flying out I've now sold 151 t-shirts up till today and got 5 to order tomorrow. As i was walking down the street i noticed a poster and there on it is Ricky Gervais's greek twin, Rickos Gervaisos. He is doing a live show here at the amphitheatre, its called Animalos, wonder if its as funny? Well i wont get to find out as its on when I'm working, damn you busy chill out bar.

Rickos Gervaisos, like Ricky Gervais but fatter LOL.

It was nice to see an ex employee of mine from the Tropicana arrive at the bar last night, Paula and her partner Kevin, sorry Gavin (they know what I'm on about). Paula worked for me in 2005 and she was a pleasure to work with, genuine nice person. Shame i can't say the same about myself as a boss to work for. You think Gordon Ramsay is bad, i know swear words that would make Gordon himself cry. I've been watching online Masterchef USA with the great man himself Mr. Ramsay hosting it. Now in this they call the contenders "Home Cooks" so basically people who just cook at home not as a profession. It amazes me that these, so called home chefs know how to cook anything. Every other episode they are given a mystery box to make meal with and the one box had in it a live Sea Urchin! What? Who the hell has bought a sea urchin for home.

" What do you fancy for dinner love?"
"What we Got?"
"Well we got beans on toast, bangers and mash or Sea Urchin?"
"Sea Urchin, haven't had that for a week, lovely"

I mean come on, how would you know how to cook it? How long for? and what the Jesus h Christ would you put with it?
So to all the Masterchef contenders i challenge you to replicate my 5 star Michelin award winning meal, POT NOODLE ROLL! MMMMmmmm. Put to much water and its to runny, put to little and its to dry, you need just the exact amount of water so you can put it in to the roll without it all running out. You have 10 mins, your time starts........NOW!

Marco Pierre White, Raymond Blanc and Delia Smith, EAT MY ROLL YOU!

Not a good time for me and my motorbikes at the moment. Saturday my clutch cable snapped on Virago then my other bike Ghost wouldn't kick over, so it was a long hot walk home Saturday night but Sunday i got both fixed and now I'm spoilt for choice but Ghost needs a real good service but at least i can now go and pay my bills, oh joy lol.

Now I'm sat here thinking "I forgot to write about something last week" but for the love of god i can't remember this week what i was going to write last week, my head is really fuzzy at this time of the morning, think, think, think! Oh yeah that's it.

The Olympics. For me if any of the gold medal winners walked in the bar and slapped me in the face and said "i won a gold medal at the Olympics" i still wouldn't recognise them. Boring! The whole Olympics was waiting for just one moment a 9.69 sec moment to be exact, all the rest was dull, dull, dull, oh apart from the ladies beach volley ball of course, i watched it for the skill in their play lol. The opening ceremony. why do wheel out Sir Paul all the time, Jubilee he's there, Olympics he's there, new lidl opening in Skipton he's there. I'm sure we have more than one old git who makes good music. Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Sex Pistols changed the face of music, Duran Duran (well the did conquer the states and worldwide), Pink Floyd and I'm sure many many others but just because this old saggy faced pensioner sings a song where everyone can sing "NAH NAH NAH NAH-NAH-NAH NAH-NAH-NAH HEY JUDE" we have to have him everywhere. I also read that the Spice Girls were closing the ceremony,GOOD GOD, pass the revolver now. Their last single (the comeback one) didn't even get in the top 10 and to top it all George Micheal, bet no one went to toilet while he was in the stadium or got in their car as he left LOL. I won a gold medal during the Olympics for the 20 metre short sprint to the supermarket for stock. Bring it on Mr. Bolt, you ain't got a chance.

Well August is still going strong, had a bit of a quieter night Saturday but still did double target so can't complain. It was nice to be able to walk to tables and take time to chat a bit more to my customers than run round like Rocky chasing that chicken. So looking forward to Cyprus in Jan really need a rest, body not been the same since Winter Wipeout LOL.

I believe some of you are missing your cocktails since being home so just to be cruel and cheese you all off here is the now world famous Banoffee Pie Cocktail. A customer who reads my blog and asked me about my nemesis Heston Blumenthal and i said "he who's name must not be mentioned", they said yes and went on to rename me "Heston Boozenthal", i quite like that, how do you change your name through Depol? LOL

The wonderful Banoffee Pie mmmmmmmmm.

Well I'm off out in to town in 90 Min's, its now 6am and if you ain't at the electricity board by 8am to pay your bill its a nightmare so going as soon as the door opens at 7.30am.

I here that you liked my little picture tour through my past well i will do another for you soon, The Punk Years, The Actor and The Stunt Man. Talking of Punk, after midnight last night we had a punk music session (sorry to the other 20 customers), this only ever happens when Chris and Kevin are here when i get out my punk tracks that I've been listening to from when i was 9, Pistols, UK Subs, Misfits, Crass, Stiff Little Fingers etc etc. But at the end of the night i was paid the best compliment yet when Chris said "I want to buried in this bar" AWESOME! So that led me to thinking, i got quite a few patio slabs, one per person and i could do the service being as I'm a Reverend LOL perhaps not eh!

On the subject of music, one video was my inspiration for my first visit to a Greek Island, King - Alone without you. This Video was shot on Corfu and i thought it was so cool they were all on scooters without helmets and the places they show in the video looked great so my first holiday other than to France was to Corfu where i also DJ'd. Have a look at the video, i thought Simon Le Bon was a crap mover LOL


Staying on the subject of music but this is now in a bad way, what the hell were Metallica thinking giving this girl the right to sing Unforgiven. It is so awful i want to jump inside the screen and slap her telling her "NO, this is wrong, stop it, NOW!" LOL


Hello to the 2 new blog followers in Cyprus and 2 new blog followers in Romania

So until next week, Kev's handy tip of the week. Are you worried about tooth loss? Normal brushing just isn't doing enough? Well how about substituting toothpaste for ketchup/mayo and mouth wash for sauces. This way with every bite you take your brushing your teeth and rinsing at the same time. No need to thank me, its OK LOL.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Frogbite? not on my cocktail menu you ain't!

OK so lets start with a few apologies. Firstly, sorry for the late update but my landlord changed his router and i didn't have the security key to use it but now have a connection so can get on with my blog and website. Secondly, sorry to all the customers over the past 3 months and first 4 days in Aug who have been turning up to come in Oceanic but haven't been able to get in cause the bars full, i use my 10 emergency chairs as well but once they're out that's it i can't fit anymore in so a big big sorry but what can i do? Thirdly, sorry in advance for this blog not having much of an update of pics but I've been so busy i just haven't had time to go out and about, its to hot and i try to save my energy for the bar. Apologies over so on with the rambling gibberish!

I decided to pop to Laganas one day for my "Big Boys" feast (Big Boys is a fast food take away in case you didn't know). As i approached Laganas i could see the police stopping the idiots on quads and scooters without crash helmets and giving them fines so i took a side road off as didn't fancy being pulled over and having to get all my papers out. As i took a slow ride along the back streets i came across a bar i used to always go to after a night on the main strip. Cellos. This place was the chill out place to go after the clubs and sit there till the sun came up. I had some good nights or should that be mornings in here in 2000 and 2001. But it is now just an empty shell like so many places all over the island. Cellos was the place to be but it just goes to show even the best of places have a limited life span, nothing ever lasts forever. While waiting for my feast i did some people watching and i was amazed to see 7 individual young ladies doing the walk of shame, skyscraper heels in hand, hair looked like they had just been poked with a cattle prod and head down rubbing their face so no one would recognize them, their parents must be so proud of them LOL.

Cellos, what a waste of a great little bar.

Now I'm always up for suggestions for cocktails and i had one from a family, well the father of the family (I am so sorry i forgot to ask your names and you drank in Oceanic every night, I'm an idiot, sorry, I'm Kevin by the way lol). It contained Half a cider, half a lager, OJ and Blue Curacao and he called it a Frogbite. Now the colour wasn't great i have to be honest but the taste was well...... how can i put this......either the actual taste of licking a frog or of the pond water the frog came from, it was rank. Its OK, i told the father this to his face so I'm not being horrible without him knowing. So I'm afraid it won't be a regular fixture on the menu but thanks for the offer ha ha. Oh, by the way i have another new cocktail, its called "Thunder Road" after a Bruce Springsteen track. I made it up especially for a customer of mine who was a Springsteen fan. Both that and "Elegantly Wasted" cocktail will be on the menu for next season.

The bar is still surprising me every night, May - up, June - up, July - up. July is usually my quietest month but this season it was better than June and all the first 3 months have beaten previous seasons and Aug is already up on my best Aug, I'm so grateful to all the tourists who have visited me and enjoyed the bar and who have made 2012 so far my best season out of the 6 years, thank you. I can only improve the bar by listening to what my customers like, taking it on board and seeing if it will fit in with the chill out theme but 95% like Oceanic just the way it is but as i always say "if you haven't got perfection you can always improve" or is it "if you got perfection you can't improve" anyway they both mean the same thing and i say it LOL.

So as previously stated i haven't got much of an update as its been all work, work, work so to give you a good laugh i thought I'd post some old pics of me for you take the P**S out of. I've done them in a time line with a few little true stories of my life.

Pic 1. The Wonder Years.

Ah yes, a young hopeful in his school uniform. Even at the age of 13 i was quite the boy about town with the non conforming black cardigan and collar pin with chain. I remember in french class one day i was sat at my desk in this very same outfit and the headmaster walked in and shouted "Who do you think you are Pinnell, a Croupier?" I just laughed and thought to myself "I've never seen anyone deliver parcels dressed like this", yes i know that's a courier but never heard of a croupier so thought he'd said it wrong, when have you ever seen a 13 year old in a casino, how was i supposed to know what a croupier was and here's a headmaster thinking i would know!

Pic 2. The Germans are coming!

Its Crete, 1994, I'm running a nightclub in Hersonissos and also the superstar DJ of the resort. I'm passed by some German tourists. As they pass i hear them whisper "Jon Bon Jovi" i carry on walking. I feel a tap on my shoulder, i turn, the 4 German tourists are stood there and ask "You Jon Bon Jovi?" i reply quietly "Yes". They ask me for my autograph, again quietly i say "Yeah Sure". They try to make conversation, I reply quietly "Sorry, sore Throat". They have their pictures taken with me, shake my hand and leave. You may be thinking "Why was he always talking quietly?" that's easy, I'm crap at American accents ha ha.

Pic 3. Accidents will happen.

Its Crete, 1995, second year in Hersonissos. I'm in my DJ prime and the club is bouncing, well, the people are the building stayed still. My DJ booth was raised up with the floor of the booth being about 5 foot in the air. A young Lady approaches the booth, I squat down and say, "Hi there, Hows it going? What can i do for you?" She starts to speak then stops in mid sentence. She spotted something, she starts to cry and runs off. "Strange" i thought. I go to stand up and feel a tug at my gentleman vegetables. What i didn't know was that as i squat down my jean shorts had split on the crotch and my meat and 2 veg had sprung out of the hole that had appeared (i was pant less you see). Oh the shame. Never been pant less since.

Pic 4. I need my bed.

Not much of a story behind this picture but i know i was shattered when it was taken. I'd start at 9pm and finish at 5am then carry on partying wherever we could find open. This is the year i came up with some of the Rock themed cocktails you now see on the Oceanic menu. So its a sort of knock on effect, if i hadn't gone to Crete i wouldn't have invented the cocktails and Oceanic may not be here today. Wow, that's too deep thinking for me LOL.

Pic 5. The first Welsh Panda.

I love the film The Crow, So for Halloween i always dress as The Crow but on my first attempt i was going out to impress. Leather rock jeans, check, tight black top, check, black army boots, check, white face paint, check, black eye make up, check. So i was All dressed up and just face make up to do. I asked my partner at the time would she do my face as i wanted it done properly, she said yes, so i gave her a close up face pic of The Crow. She applied the white face paint over all my face and my neck, then she asked me where the black face pen was, with my eyes closed due to the white face paint i pointed to TV unit and said "over there". She starts applying the black face paint to my eyes and lips and after about 30 Min's we're ready to go. A great night was had by all and its time to get cleaned up, i wash my face with water, white starts coming off but black stays firm. I start again and use soap, white all comes off, black fades a tiny bit. I ask her to show me the pen she used. There next to the TV was a black permanent marker. OH MY GOD. Just below the TV next to the video in a small white bag was the black face pen. I looked like a panda for days, i was thinking of changing my name to Ling Ling.

Pic 6. Zakynthos here i come.

This picture is my first taste of Zakynthos. I visited my barman Mark on Zakynthos in 2000 who had worked for me in Crete. He had got a bar in Laganas but needed some help setting up so i booked 6 weeks in Tsilivi, His bar was where G-spot now is but Laganas then was nothing like it is now. As you can see in this picture i look like death warmed up as it was taken about 5.30am and i no longer drink lager. I have a look about me of Kiefer Sutherland when he was in The Lost Boys, he was dead in that wasn't he LOL.

Pic 7. Life begins on Zakynthos

2001 and i have applied for a job as a cocktail barman at Tropicana in Argassi. After running bars in the UK the money i was getting wasn't worth the hassle so i decided to give it all up and move abroad. The job was advertised in the local job centre, i applied and was successful. I went on to run the Tropicana for another 5 years which i hold very good memories of and still feel sad to this day when i go back and see an empty shell of a bar that was the busiest in the resort, again, nothing ever lasts forever. This is me stood on the port in Zakynthos town. It was my first ever picture of my 12 years of being here on the island.

Pic 8. The Boys are back in Town.

I don't have that many pics from the Tropicana but this is one of my favourites with best buddy, sidekick, partner in crime and all round good egg, DEZ! This was taken on my first season and i have to say my best season from anywhere i have ever worked. I've worked on Corfu, Tenerife, Gran Canaria, Ibiza, Crete, Majorca, Benidorm and Kos but nothing will ever come close to Zakynthos 2001. This was the golden year for the whole of the island and the season was just 6 months of non stop laughs. Ive never ever wanted to get in to work so badly than when i did in 2001. Dez was my bar idol, nothing fazed him and everything was taken in his stride with a couple of shots and bottles along the way. He's the only person I've ever met more laid back then me and that's saying something. Dez buddy, see you in December.

So thats it for this update, i promise to get out more and get some pics for the next update. Its now taken me 2 1/2 hours to write this update and its now 6.12am here after having a night where i beat my best ever night for Aug so i'm very tired and need my bed or should i stay awake and go to the pool early, not thinking straight now as head is even more messed up than usual cause of being so tired LOL.

OK, see you next week and remember to pull out all the plugs from wall sockets before you go to bed, apart from your electric bedside clock of course, that would be just silly to do that, how would you know what time it is and get up for work, no, leave that one plugged in LOL