Tuesday, 25 December 2012

The Kevlars Speech!

This year has been an horrible anus. No not like the Queens year where she had her annus horribilis, i literally have had a horrible anus. In March i had a dodgy curry from Mr. Tak Tak's and only just last month i had a pimple on the right cheek and god was it sore sitting down.

Its Christmas time and we must not forget the true meaning of Christmas, to love, care and cherish the people around us and of course not forgetting the baby Jebus (ref. Homer Simpson). Now with me being a Reverend and often reading Gideons Bible that you find in the bedside drawer in hotels I've come across a few flaws in the whole Jebus story. OK, so first there was Adam and Eve, the snake sort of spoilt it for them by making them take the apple and their leafs falling off and basically creating the original sin. Now if they weren't meant to do the jiggy jiggy how would we all of got here? Secondly, Moses was alive 1500 years before Jebus and the 10th commandment was "you shall not covet your neighbour's wife". Move on 1500 years and Mary, who is married to Joseph is having a baby but the baby is the son of God. Bet Joseph was a bit miffed at that and then what happened to gods 10th Commandment? Oh, so its OK for God to go about willy nilly coveting his neighbours wife but for mortal man its a no no. There are allot more holes in this story but that's a few I'm worried about. Anywhoo, Jebus, manger, angels, 3 wise men and Frankie goes to Hollywood's "The power of Love" playing in the background while the little saviour is born is a lovely image for Christmas. 

As the year comes to a close we could talk about the Jubilee, Olympics, royals making babies, Plebgate and of course Jordan's 100th marriage but no, I'll leave that for the little old lady that lives in a huge house and doesn't pay any bills.

The weather this year has been terrible in the UK, terrible floods and heartache at the damaged caused by the waters but out of every disaster comes joy and the joy out of this story is Paul Daniels got flooded out again, what does he expect he lives next to a river and has been flooded out 4 times all together, MOVE!

What do these things have in common, Jubilee, Olympics, Nirvana reforming and the opening of a Lidl in Skipton? Yep you got it, saggy faced old codger, Sir Paul Macartney.  Please retire and go away.

What do these things have in Common, bad jokes, slurring words, unfunny and rubbish dancing? Yep, its the wig wearing old codger Bruce Forsyth, Please retire and go away.

Its been a year of more crappy reality shows, more crappy music being released "gangnam style" (what the*@$)! and crappy politics that not many people actually care about as its a joke.

In a year where we have all had our tough times and stress we can take comfort in the fact that we're not as ugly as the cast of TOWIE which i think you'll agree is a blessing and in times of trouble we should keep a picture of the cast in our wallets and purses. Just when we think things can't get any worse we can pull out the picture and be gratefully that we're not as thick, fake and butt ugly as the cast of TOWIE. We thank you oh TOWIE cast.

I will very quickly mention the Olympics, Great for London, debt for the rest of the country.
I can feel a few knighthoods coming on. I knew a guy who used to delivery meat on a bicycle in all weathers, think he should get one if other cyclists get one, after all its just riding a bike.

Sport this year has been wonderful, Wales winning the Grand Slam, think that's it.

For Greece it has been a terrible struggle this year, for me all i can say is WOOHOO! Cigars rolled on the thighs of a Cuban Virgin for me. Am i allowed to say that anymore?

Lets look to the future, Sunshine in Cyprus, Sunshine in Zante and rain, cold, and grey in Bolton.
We have some special days ahead of us in the new year, lots of laughs, lots of booze and lots of meeting new friends and old at Oceanic. We all have many days ahead of us so lets not dwell in the past as we can't change whats happened but we can look forward to 2013 and make the most of each day we have, after all we only get one shot at this life on earth so seize the day, make the most of it. Go crazy once in while. Use goose fat on those roast potatoes, buy heinz ketchup instead of happy shoppers, add that extra spoon of sugar in your tea and what the hell, wear those summer shorts to town at the first sign of sunshine even if its freezing, why not eh!

From Helen and I we wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope all the days ahead of you are happy and fun filled ones, after all "Lifes what you make it" you shape your future. Till next Christmas, this is Kevlar saying thank you to you all and may God be with you, well not everywhere of course but on journeys and stuff like that.

P.S. sorry this isn't in 3D but the little old lady has got the only 3D camera available on christmas Day. I was offered 1D but i couldn't have stood listening to absolute shite music on such a fun day LOL

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Its the season to be jolly, Bah Hum Bug!

Blimey, has it been that long since my last update. Sorry about that my loyal subjects but I've been working harder than Fern Britons gastric band.
Well, Christmas day is almost here and if i was alive at the same time as Charles Dickens his story A Christmas Carol could have been my biography but without the ghosts. I hate Christmas if I'm being honest, having to eat sprouts, watching repeated movies and of course endless shops playing Christmas songs isn't my idea of fun.
Toys R Us is at full speed now and Father Christmas is pushing us little helpers to the limit. I remember when i started at Toys R Us 12 years ago we used to have 8 Santa's helpers, now there are only 3 of us, myself, James and Darren. Its amazing how things have changed over those 12 years.
As i always do every Christmas i give you an insight in to my work and the toys at Christmas so let the Toy Story begin.
Here folks are 2 England players you can buy to make a collection can you name these 2 world famous stars? A Clue, they look bugger all like the players they are meant to be.

I am a bit worried about the next 2 toys. Mobile Phones for kids. I mean, do we really need to have this sort of toy so early on in a child's life. From the cot they are being shown how not to talk to people and just sit by themselves and use social network sites or even sit with people and use social network sites LOL. The first phone is for the age 9-30 month, the second phone is so they can get an upgrade when they are 2+ years so it would be like when we get an upgrade after an 18 month contract.

Now they say that caffeine is no good for children but here is a espresso machine for a 3+ year old child. Its not just any normal espresso machine, oh no, it also makes a Macchiato. Bloody hell, i still don't know what a machiatto is and i drink the things.

I'm sure that all the parents out there love their children but whichever one buys this doll for their little girl must want to give the poor child nightmares. Can you imagine waking up to this psycho looking doll, you'd be traumatised from a very young age LOL.

I've taken this picture as i've decided to get this water park built at the back of the Oceanic but there will be a law "No Speedos Allowed" unlike in the pic.
NOTE:- The water park will be made to the same scale as the toy.

I can feel a court case coming on, me against Playmobil. How dare they take a picture of me on my bike and use it on their product.

As we all know i'm going slightly thread bare on top and have been thinking of what to do in a few years time. Do i have a hair transplant or do i wear hats? Well neither, i've decided i'm going to have Minnie Mouse ears transplanted on to my head instead. Here is a preview of how their going to look like.

Well, the first Oceanic tour is over and it was to Leeds. Arrived on a Sunday and met up with Gaz, Jayne, Kathryn, Carl, Dave and the legend, the man, the myth himself, DEZ. Was great to see them all. The Dry Dock was the first port of call where we had a quick pint then moved on to Wetherspoons. It was bloody freezing, why oh why did we move on. Had a few more drinks but then it was time for bed as it had been a long day. A big thank you to all that showed up and an apology to Gaz and Jayne for not taking their pic but Helen didn't get her phone out till late on.

Day 2 of our tour and on to Skipton. Lovely little place, really like it here, had good times.
Again another cold day but we took a tour around the street market, had a coffee in a shop called something like "bean loved" and ate in a pub which i forget the name of but it has all old beer mats on the wall in frames and looks like they have folk music in there sometimes, its off a side street towards the canal.

While here we met up with Rachel, Leigh, Richard, Trudie and little Kell. Boy does that little guy have strong lungs and a healthy appetite. Think he gets that from his dad LOL.

You all must know by now that i like my pies and in Skipton i had the best pie ever. It was a black pudding and pork pie. Oh My God, i was in pie heaven. If i lived in Skipton you'd have to build me a house with a super wide doorway as i'd be that huge from all the pies you'd have to roll me out the door.

Talking of people being rolled out of doors, remember Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Violet Bowregard was rolled out of Willy Wonkas factory and that leads me on to a shop also in Skipton that sells Wonka Bars. WOW!

Can you tell i'm excited at the fact i bought a bar. Unfortunately i look more like Macaulay Culkin than excited. Damn that child star and Home Alone.

I thought that Skipton would be a lovely place to live and found a house just the right size for me. I'm just a bit worried about if there was a fire, i wouldn't be able to reach the fire extinguishers as they're to high up the wall. I will find out the sale price and if they can lower the extinguishers.

Day 3 and we start off with a Costas Coffee. While drinking my coffee i decided to act out the scene from Star Wars where Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are blowing up Tie-Fighters. Helen just read the paper while i made laser noises.

This is the Arcade of the side of Harvey Nichols store which was a wonderful sight to see. Harvey Nichols wasn't so wonderful to see, jesus that place is expensive and i have to say my Oceanic T-shirts would look great in the mens department.

The last night of the tour and Dez came over to go out for a curry. Well, when in Leeds you got to have a curry. Akbars was the place and on the menu i could see "Family Nan Bread". Got to have it. When it came out i thought they'd brought me a Quilt to take home with me in case i was cold. It was huge. Just so you can see how big it was Dez has kindly put his bottle of Cobra Beer next to it. This was a very kind gesture of Dez as usually you would have to kill him before he'd let go of his beer LOL.

Its now Sunday 23rd Dec and 8.40am having just got in from nightshift and got to go to the day job at 9am. I have got loads and loads more to tell you but have run out of time but wanted to give you a little update to read.

Don't forget at 3pm on Christmas day i will be giving my alternate speech to the Queens speech on this blog. So if you don't fancy being bored to death by a blue rinsed old lady going on about her jubilee, the olympics and a great grand child on the way then click on this blog and hopefully i will have some words of wisdom for you. I doubt it but i'll try, if not then we'll just have a good laugh.

So until my christmas speech and then a further update i shall bid your fairwell and get myself ready for work.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Sad, Sad, day but at least everyone is safe.

As you all know from reading my blog over the years my good friend George owns the Taverna on the side of Mount Skopos on the way to the landfill site. I've known George since 2006 when i first visited his little shack where he had just 3 tables and 7 chairs but it has grown and grown over the years and now has many visitors. Today i was told that his wonderful little taverna was hit by a tornado.
I'm glad to see him as his family are safe and i hope he will be able to get it back in to full working order as its the one place that makes me feel like I'm back home when i first arrive back on the island and George himself is such a lovely guy its a shame to see the damage the tornado has done to his little place.

You can watch the TV report on this link.