Ladies and Gentlemen live from a large bedroom somewhere in Swansea its the second annual Oceanic awards and here is your short ass, dry witted, welsh host Kevlar, "Thank you thank you, oh your to kind, hi there, oh please stop, ok then carrying on, woooowwh, all right, yyeeeaaaah, rrrrrrreeeeeebbbbaaaaaaa, woohoo, ok settle down folks"
Well its that time of the year again where we pay tribute to those who have walked in and stumbled out, those who have started chatting and finished slurring, those who visit as strangers but leave as friends and those who arrive saying "hi" but leave like shakey hand man saying "i love you man".
The second season saw some major highs and can't think of any lows and these awards were set up to reward those customers who helped my business be the success it is. It was a tough awards this year with lots of choice and scope for winners and awards but after the nominations being looked over by a judging panel (me and swearing Elmo) the results are in.
So lets get on with the show and see what lucky winners we have.
THE BEST DRESSED CUSTOMER IN A LEADING ROLL
This was such a fierce fought award this year it was like Naomi Campbel after losing her luggage but with the judging being on style and matching accessories it has to go to Janice and Phil.
Wow what a result, 2 years on the trot.
THE CUSTOMER WITH THE FUNNIEST COMMENT AWARD IN A SUPPORTING ROLL
This stood out head and shoulders above the rest even though this gentleman is head and shoulders shorter than the rest, it goes to 86 year old Les. Les a up to minute music guru who likes Matt Munroe was sat on a sofa outside when he tapped my arm and said "Kevin whats this rubbish your playing, I can't hear it" at that point i buckeled its like what peter kay said in pheonix nights when on the phone "I know who you are, who is it?" but the icing on the cake was the song that was playing was in fact Matt Monroe.
THE MOST HELPFUL CUSTOMER AWARD IN A SITUATION COMEDY
I had many helpful customers through the season, some with advice, some collecting glasses, some offering to help make drinks when i was packed out and some just offering to help drink my stock for free (very kind offer) but this has to go to a lady who went above and beyond the customers duty this award goes to Mary. At certain points during the season my water pump broke down which meant i had to flush the toilets after customers with 5 litre bottles of water, go to behind the bar refill the bottles from hose and put back in toilet, mary took it upon herself to flush the toilet with the bottle take the empty around the back and refill it for me, i found this out when i turned round and saw Mary walking out of the dark with the full bottle like one of those donation comercials to fund water pumps for villages, thank you Mary.
THE "MY CHOICE OF WORDS CHANGE WHEN I'M DRUNK" AWARD
Well if only the customers in my bar could tape themselves after midnight some of the language and slurring i've heard, well my mum would tell me to close the bar down if she new.
But this award has to go to a mild mannered, well spoken, friendly gentleman who changed after midnight and after 5 Amstel, a bit like Hong Kong Phooey by day a mild mannered janitor but then KAAPOW he changed, so ladies and gentleman this award goes to Phil of Janice and Phil.
My poor little innocent ears were red hot and the air as blue as penguines bum, but janice did put him in his place with every naughty word Phil threw out Janice hit him like Joe Calzaghe in a world title fight, well done janice.
THE "I LOVE SCREAMING ORGASMS" AWARD
This cocktail is becoming of cult status in the resort as it is nothing like you have ever tasted in any other bar and was by far the most popular all season, but this award goes to one table that ordered 24 in 90 mins, have you ever tried to give 24 screaming orgasm in that time? i tell you what, i was sweating and run out cream twice but replenished it quickly so this fine award goes to The Scousers, the reason why i call them this is because there were betwwen 6-8 of them come in every night and i can't remember all their names, it was like a scene from brookside.
THE MOST POLITE CHILDREN AWARD
All season every child i had in to my bar was lovley, no screaming brats, all well mannered and polite and none ever made a scene which is great to see after what i've seen at pools and around the resort but these 4 children used to come into my bar alone until their parents turned up a while later and they were never any trouble and always had drinks with a please and thank you so this award goes to Gav, Damian, Johnny and Steph, their parents Paul and Dawn, Gordon and Joan should be proud to have such good kids but when the 2 couples come out in oct and left the kids at home the text they got off the kids shocked me, but in the kids defence they were left at home and i would also be a bit angry being left in the horrible UK while mum and dad enjoy zakynthos LOL well done kids.
THE AWARD FOR BEST DRAWING IN A BAR
In my bar i have a light thats made out of the x-ray of my chest that i had to have for my medical before i could have my Greek bar licence, the bar was busy as usual and then as i walked out from inside my bar i noticed everyone smiling or laughing at me so i walked back inside, 5 mins later i walked back out to everyone smiling and laughing again until i realised that someone had drawn a AHEMMM male private part on my xray only to find out it was who i thought was a pure young lady who always visits my bar with her mum and dad, shame on you LOL this award goes to Lydia, fortunately it did wipe off clean but i was very impressed with the detail haha.
THE AWARD FOR BEST FOREIGN CUSTOMER IN A DRINKING ROLL
I think the gemtleman was German, maybe Dutch, or Swedish, could have been Finnish but i called him Eric as he looked like Eric Idle but i couldn't say his real name (to many letters in it) it was in october, i had weather proofed my bar from the wind and rain but eric would sit outside at one of my two tables and have a few beers, i would keep a look out to see when he reaised his glass and a fresh one would be taken to him without him having to come inside. I hope he didn't think i was trying to keep him outside LOL but boy he liked the local lager Mythos and i guess if he was from a Scandinavian country it was alot hotter in Greece even in October. Eric has got details of this blog so Eric if your out there buddy this ones for you, i just thought, if he didn't speak english he won't understand this HAHA!
THE AWARD FOR BIGGEST BUDGET FOR A DRINKING EPIC
There was alot of nominations for this award as i had so many drinkers and people stayed in the bar for so many hours each night but there was one family that stood out among all the others and that is Ian, Lisa and the boys. There bar reciept for just one night was as long Paris Hiltons make up list and as big as Dawn French's food shopping bill but they were such a good laugh and the 2 young lads were also great and well mannered. I almost retired after that night.
Well thats it for this years awards we've had some brilliant laughs and some amazing nights and everyone mentioned in the awards will get their first drink this season on the house, unfortunately i can hear Kate Winslet calling me to escort her to the Oscars tonight as her hubby Sam Mendes is at home doing the ironing, so of course i said i would help out but i have told her she's not my type so no tongues on the red carpet, she seemed a bit put out but just cause she lost her ex boyfriend on the Titanic doesn't cut it with me, goodnight, godspeed and if you can't be nice keep your mouth shut LOL