The Oceanic Awards

The red carpet is laid out, the press arrive, lights, cameras, action. Its the 3rd biggest awards ceremony of the year, Its "THE OCEANICS".

And here is your host, the short ass welsh forrest gump, Kevlar.

"Thank you for that wonderful introduction, i'd like to welcome you all to these awards, as you know its been a great 6 month season and its time to honour the brave, the pleasant, the beautiful and the stupid. These awards were founded 5 minutes ago and as you can see have stood the test of time and hopefully will carry on doing so for minutes to come. So lets crack on as i know a few of our guests have paint they need to watch dry.. The awards are in order of merit so the biggest award will be presented last"

The award for "Most questions asked in a night" goes to Chloe of jonlouisechloe.

Lovely little chloe or "Alice" as i had to call her hit me with more questions than a game of trivial pursuit but she was such a sweetie that i tried as best as i could to answer everything she had to give. but unfortunately i couldn't keep up with the pace.

The award for " I'm going to save every stray dog in the world" goes to lesley

Lesley is a really nice lady and god does she love dogs, if she could get every stray home into her house i reckon she would, sorry andrew buddy your in the tent.

The award for "I'm not meant to drink" goes to Les

Les is a 86 year old teenager who has been visiting the island for 20 years and drank in my bar every night for his 2 weeks, his Doc told him that he musn't drink anymore, 2 halfs lager and 6 glasses of rose wine later he wasn't sprinting across to his room at the cavo dora.

The award for "Doggy bag of the season" goes to carol (caz) & sam

It was a great honour to recieve this doggy bag as it was the best pizza i had tasted and i have been named their official "pizza left over eater"

The award for "Clueless" goes to Sandra & Emma lou

After me telling these 2 fine young ladies to visit Gastronomy Restaurant And gave them directions and they said they were going there they ended up 1ooo metres away from it and in another restaurant that sounds and looks nothing like the restaurant i described. They even come back to my bar thinking they had been to said restaurant and made out it was great just to save from hurting my feelings as it was actually rubbish.

The award for "better try another cocktail" goes to Marie

Marie a lovely lady with a hidden passion for cocktails most nights arrived around midnight but sure made up for it, one night Marie and her husband went through the whole specials cocktail menu, i almost closed for the season there and then.

The award for "biggest round of the season" goes to Sam of Carol & sam

Sam (or my dad as i labelled him this night) Bought a round of shots for everyone in the bar although he didn't know he had till i was telling everyone he had bought them, yammas sam!

The award for "Oooh i think i like that" goes to Steve of Joanne & Steve

Steve doesn't drink much, yeah right, on his first holiday to my bar Steve drank almost 2 litres of Jack Daniels in a week, wow where did he put it all as he's not that big a fella LOL

The award for "Polish work like ethics" goes to Amy & Ellie

These 2 lovely young ladies helped me out collecting glasses and making their own drinks for no pay which is my type of worker.

The award for "Karaoke singer of the year without a karaoke" goes to Colin

Colin along with Les (86) and Joe (70) had a sing along consisting of Frank Sinatras "my way" the only problem was they only knew the first verse and repeated it about 20 times.

The Award for "Help! i'm a customer, get me out of here" goes to Annette of Chris & Annette

My toilet door has a lock that that locks twice, so if you turn it the wrong way when you want to leave it double locks it so when you turn it once the other way it still locks, Annette on her 7 day holiday locked herself in the toilet 5 of her 7 visits.

The award for " Mines a Mythos Red" Goes to Matt

Not only did he drink me dry of it he also drank the second case i ordered in for him, after he left i had 1 lonely bottle left, he better come back next season to drink it.

The award for "Outstanding Contribution to my private yacht" goes to Alan & June

Wow you guys can drink for pensioners, lager followed by vodka followed by brandy, thats all i'm going to say.

The award for "Cigar smoker of the season" goes to Nigel

One night i offered Nigel to join me in a cigar, after that he bought me about 3 tins for the ones he smoked of mine, my pleasure Nigel

The Award for "Is that the time?" goes to Aaron and Kate

After a nice night of drinks and chat we realised the sun had come up and it was 6am, wow time flies when your getting drunk.

The award for "Best dressed in a drinking roll" goes to Janice & Phil

Every night they were immaculate, their foot servant must get paid well.

The award for "Most boring drinker and lightweight" goes to Emma Lou

Well what can i say TEA or WATER! Although she did push the boat out one night and had a cocktail but was very drunk after it, good job her son Harrison was with her to show her the way home.

The award for "Expedition to the Oceanic" goes to Dave Cleathro

He travelled down from Alykes for 1 drink and a chat, much appreciated and lovely to meet you.

The award for "Most help from another business" goes to Veronica & Derek of the Lighthouse restaurant and Akis from the Cavo Dora hotel

These 3 people were the best, they helped me so much and i am forever in your debt, thank you oh so much.

OK this is the big one, there were many other awards but for every person who has won a award a free drink of your choice has been given to you on your next visit, thats why i didn't put all the awards on, i'm a tight ass, LOL

The Award for "Customer of the season" goes to Geoff

He was one of my first customers, drank me out of much Metaxa, brought me a food parcel, helped promote the bar with some great funny pics in his own time and generally a all round nice guy.

I hope you enjoyed the awards, i'm now going to get drunk in the V.I.P. lounge with Angelina Jolie.

My first season - Time to reflect

I'm now back home and time to reflect on a wonderful first season but it wasn't all chill out and stress free.

From day one when i first posted on a certain website that i had bought my own bar i recieved quite nasty e-mails trying to put me off opening the bar as things would happen to me or the bar, these came from fake e-mail addresses so couldn't tell who was sending them but nothing was going to stop me. i'd been looking for years to open a bar and the property i found was perfect.

From march i started with the paperwork which to be honest was a nightmare, if paper A can't be done you can't get on with paper F it has to all be in sequence A,B,C so as soon as someone in a office isn't there to sign or stamp a paper thats it, thats the end of the day. I nust have visited in all about 30 offices, miles and miles driving and lots of stress. If your paying someone money for a service they're happy to see you but if its a free service like tax office they are so unwilling to help you and often overlook you until they're ready to serve you. Also add at least another £3000 for hidden charges and paperwork.

At the same time as doing all this i worked 12 hours a day on the bar as the previous owner had let it go to a complete mess, the floor tiles were filthy, the kitchen was full of grease which i had to mop the walls with bleach and de-greaser, i've never seen such a filthy kitchen so god help anyone who ate in here when it was the previous business but after all my hard scrubbing and DIY the "Oceanic" was born.

The season for me didn't start till june due to recieving my licence late, it started quiet but then again new business, no repeat customer, quiet start to season all over island so i sat and waited reading Michael Palin's Python years diaries, which actually gave me great insperation after reading how pyhton struggled hard at the beginning to be accepted.

Within 2 weeks my trade started to pick up, and within 3 weeks i had a full bar. I could never of imagined that this was going to happen and from then on in i was full almost every night. The nights would be different from week to week some weeks it would be full from opening till 8.30 then empty till maybe 10.30-11 or the next week empty till 9.30 then full by 10 but either way every night was a joy to work and every customer was great, didn't have one bad one. The most popular drinks were the cocktails as i don't have any cheap products in my bar all the spirits are genuine and time and care is taken in making the drinks, i pride myself on making true cocktails and if you don't like them then i'll exchange it but i haven't had to yet.

Now i hear you say "come on you must have had some problem" Well yes i did but not from a actual customer it was from 2 people on a certain website who decided to get together and try to wreck my business by stopping people talking about my bar. But i'd like to say thank you to those 2 people as you also spurred me on to make it a success to prove you wrong.

The bar would not have been a success though without your custom and input so this post is a tribute to you all. i can only serve the drinks but you are the people who make the bar what it is, it was a amazing season and i took double the target i had set myself. I loved talking to all the customers, so many different lifestyles and experiences the people have had, it kept me going through a very busy season and i hope with some of the customers i could help them as there were a few customers who were on holiday to escape troubles or upset in their life but seemed to then enjoy themselves which is great to see. The best thing for me is to know that people want the bar i provide and enjoy it, so a huge thank you folks you were all great and hope to see you all again.

Here's to a bright future and hope you will all join me next season, yammas folks your all brilliant.

first pics after last nights storm

The little shop at top of main road has been ripped apart

This has been washed down from the mountain fire and covers the road from cave bar entrance to merlis supermarket

The guttering has been ripped off the building from down under to P & P crepe house

The very heavy Venue sign has been ripped out of the ground

I only got from the old road to venue then a storm came in again

But there was a rainbow over the Oceanic and no damage to it either.

Take the virtual Oceanic tour!

For those people who missed out, couldn't find me, just to shy to pop in, drove by a few times or just didn't want to meet that "nasty, selfish, ignorant,arrogant little man" heres a tour of my bar LOL

Sorry for the quality but it was taken on my phone as i don't do camcorders or cameras, next year Martin Scorsese has said he will direct it, he's not sure what to call it yet, either "Welshfella" or "Raging Dragon".

http://s20.photobucket.com/albums/b247/kevlar1/?action=view¤t=MOV00004.flv

Theres a new story going around!

oh golly gosh would you believe it, because my bar has been busy for nearly most of the season there has to be a reason other than people just like it and that reason going around is all my customers are all off zante websites, so i will now show that rumour to be untrue but i will type it in the words of a open university maths professor.

If you took the size of the patio area which would be 5m x 7m it would take 315 zante website members to fill it, add to the said area 50 seats when empty then times that by 95 days of the season which is the amount of days i've had a full bar, 4750 customers. Out of these customers at the most 100 would be zante members. take in to the fact that there are repeat customers most nights so in all 1200 customers have passed through the door over 95 days. so the percentage customers that are zante website members is 8% who have visited me. Now due to the savoy bar closing i had around 22% of my customers from there which leaves 70% as new customers. So if zante website customers are 8%, old savoy customers are 22% this leaves oceanic with 70%, so to sum up that story is a load of B****CKS LOL YAMMAS

Join the Kevlar fan club.

I've been informed i have a fan club so to any readers this is how you join.

1/ Visit me in my bar and have a drink with me

2/ Fan club members fee black pudding or crumpets given to myself of course

3/ Post a topic on a zante website to say you liked my bar ( be prepared for some backlash as your not allowed to)

4/ Sit with me and other members of the Oceanic/kevlar fan club and just enjoy a good old chat and a laugh till its difficult to walk back to your hotel.

There its most easy fan club to join but again as i post in the past on this blog this fan club is news to me like other things that haven't been going on in my life LOL

The masked zero strikes again!

Well, well, well, even though i have been banned from a certain website (wimples with dimples.com) I see i'm still getting the blame for the site suffering. I guess its got nothing to do with having a poor admin (not Forum Admin) at the helm for a while. So the masked zero decided to rear its ugly head again and spoil an innocent topic, well spoil a few innocent topics actually over the past few days. Get over it, i'm banned, end of story, you got what you wanted so let the other members post freely.

Why bother going on holiday

Whenever i go on holiday ( not very often) i like to visit the places of interest, taste the local cuisine and enjoy the countries culture.

So why do people go on holiday just to sit in front of a tv watching any sport all day, soaps and any british tv?
Think how much money you can save, here's your DIY guide to holidaying abroad at home.

1/ Attach your tv to the wall at least 10 feet off the ground so your neck hurts from looking up for hours on end.

2/Don't speak to your partner just in case you miss the vital plot line of your favourite soap e.g. "oh no wellard's been kidnapped"

3/Pour some pop over your living room table and leave for 24 hours in the sun to get that tacky surface bar effect.

4/Guys make sure the ladies get your drink when you've finshed your first one as getting your own beer while footballs on may make you miss a footballer picking his nose.

5/Make sure you have no sunlight on your body while watching the tv after all you don't go abroad to sit in the sun.

Wow i wish i could spend 600 pound for a week for 2 to sit in bar watching tv all day which i get for 42 pound a month back home LOL.

I do admit i watch liverpool and wales rugby when they're on but thats maybe 2 or 3 games in a month.

Sorry i'm late!

Hi folks and welcome to the next install,emt of "Oceanic-the bar that doesn't exist".

Well i've been a very lazy sod and resting most of the time as the bar has been pack jammed every night and not been able to have my first drink till 2.30am some days due to being that rushed but i love it. I had my first early close on change over day sunday (1.30am) but i really needed it to recharge the old batteries. I've been the last bar to close on the old road of kalamaki nearly all season sometimes even been the last bar to close in the whole of kalamaki but i wouldn't change a thing, all the customers i've had in have been so nice and i would stay open as long as they wanted me to, i've got some big thank you's to hand out but i'll do that at the end of the season also a awards presentation for some of my customers who read my blog.

Anywhooo i'm off to set up bar and i now have outdoor heaters so if your out late in the season don't worry you can still sit outdoors on the comfortable sofa's and enjoy the clear night sky instead of inside a smokey bar.

byeeee folks

First pics of kalamaki in time order

A gathering did this way come.

Today i will be posting the in the style of a pirate.

Ahoy there yee salty sea dogs, well yoho and blow me down i had a right bunch of scurvy cut throats in last night, all 20 of them from the quiet port of Argassi, they came to ransack and loot kalamaki but were soon brought to heel by my yo ho ho and a bottle of mythos sorry i meant rum. (pieces of eight, peices of eight) Be quiet with you you flea bitten excuse for a bird or i'll feed you to sharks. LOWER THE PLANK!
One of the motely crew (not the fluffy hair rock band) didn't know whether he be a woman or man after he dropped his shorts to show his underwear, i nearly made him walk the plank as it caused sea sickness amongst my regular shipmates, not a sight i want to see again, BRACE THE MAIN SAIL!
(Polly want a cracker) A cracker, a cracker? oh the luxury of a cracker, you'll be next on the plate bird with your "polly want a cracker", "pieces of eight" and "oi! you, w***er".
THERE SHE BLOWS! Time to head of out to sea for a perilous night is ahead, i'm in need of bigger serving quarters as the one i have now on the good ship Oceanic is full every night.
CAST OFF!(not the knitting term) I be off now AHA! (not the 80's norwegian electro pop band)

I own a piece of history.

I was talking with a 79 year old gentleman who has been on holiday to kalamaki for over 20 years and my property was the first bar in kalamaki he told me, along with the usual "i remember when this was all fields".

I'm in a thespian mood today so for the rest of this post i will be typing in the style of william shakespear, I thank you.

Cometh the afternoon when i can no longer caress the sun to my breast i retire to my slumber were the mechanic which chilleth the air doesth blow over me to ease the trials of heat that doeth plague me. Why doeth the rays of light that rain from the sun torture me so on one day then embrace my body the next. Each eve the juice of hop and barley take control and make people be merry for they know the time is nigh to return to the blighted land of home but wish to remain on this fair isle. Why do you mock me oh evil juice, for one moment you are my friend the next my most evil enemy who i wish i could smite with such vengance but the cold touch of thy bottle in my hand sooths my dripping brow. The life i have been given so rich in money, delights and friendship but so poor with Lidl food and greek bombay mix, i feel i haveth been blessed and fortunate to be given this life that i lead and will not stray from path that take me on this journey. oh zakynthos the island i love so much and place high up upon a plinth, you are a good friend of mine and hope you never die.

I thank you lovies, oh please no don't, your very kind.

Hello folks, its john.

Hello, i'm new to this and its very difficult to type as i have to roll over keys with a tooth pick in my air valve until i hit the right key.

Well kevlar has gone off to St. Dennis market to buy some cheap tat, you wouldn't believe how tight he is. Instead of getting a alarm for his apartment he left me sat on top of his wardrobe to guard it all winter. He's only taken me to the pool once all season and up until today i was left behind the bar door, WHAT A GIT!

Saying that he has promised me that he's going to make it up to me by taking me to some places on the island so when he does i'll post the pics, i fancy the Water Park and just floating around the lazy river so we'll see where we end up.

Last season when he took me to the beach with Ajax and kevlars angels i was left to drift away in the sea, i had horrible visions of what happened to my cousin "wilson" when he worked with Tom Hanks on the film "Castaway", the director let him just drift off, luckily for him he ended up in Brazil where there was the world female beach volleyball competition being held, LUCKY SOD! Fancy having all those toned you ladies rubbing they're hands all over you before slapping your behind. Unluckily for me Kevlar saved me.

Well i better roll back to the bar before he gets back to wash the floor. I'd like to hear back from any readers who would like to kidnapp me and adopt me.

Bye for now.

yours begging you

John

Its an historic day!

Well after months of hard work, sweat, bad language, stress, Lidl food, frosted shreddies, californian zinfadel rose wine and miles of running across to supermarket for stock, i have from last night made the money back i paid out on the bar, so from here on in i can relax and enjoy the rest of the season.

But the thanks goes out to you, my customers, for helping me by visiting my quiet humble little bar for a relaxing drink and a chat, your all great, cheers folks.

Hello my lovely followers!

Good afternoon to you all and welcome to another episode of "Oceanic - The bar a website forgot".

So how are we all today? Well i've been cleaning my apratment which is now spotless, i've been busier than dung clearer in a elephant cage. My good buddy Ajax (part of the warrior troop) left on friday and also left 4 bags of rubbish by the time i'd finished but it was nice catching up with the wild eyed child at the gates of oblivion.

Business is going really well, not every night is a full house but 5 out of 7 are so can't complain and even with me selling Mythos at 1.50 euro a pint people are still going for the cocktails (all made with original brands) which is great for me at 3 euro a cocktail.

Starting back at the gym tomorrow now the temprature has dropped to a nice level so i'll be back to my tonned golden bronzed adonis look in no time LOL YEAH RIGHT!

John is doing well also but has been stuck behind the door in my bar for the past week, must take him to the beach soon as he is starting to go orange, he's looking more like David Dickinson every day.

This is john!

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that have seen Castaway starring Tom Hanks he had a friend called Wilson on that island, so without further a do here's my friend JOHN!

Don't be shy turn around.

A few people have met him and took a shine to him but he watched over my apartment over the winter and had his first dip in the pool this season this week.

The good thing about john is he never complains or moans, he never gossips or spreads rumours and he's always got a smile on his face, maybe we could all learn from John eh folks LOL

I'm Willy Wonka!

Hello all you lovely people ( and some not so lovely) I'm becoming the Willy Wonka (I SAID WONKA) of the adult sweet industry. After my success with "vodka gummy bears" and "gin jelly babies" i'm now in the process of making "Bacardi cola bottles". So to set the record straight these are my creations before the others follow suit.
Who knows where this will lead to, my favourite gummy sweets at the moment are "gummy octopuss" but their to big to fit into any bottle, bugger. So it may be a bucket with them being soaked in Vodka North, the experiments continue and the guinea pigs i mean customers are plenty.

The troops are gathering!

Ajax my man, bring those colours with you as we'll be wearing them loud and proud. Oh by the way bring some crumpets, Lea & Perrin Tomato sauce and Beef in gravy of your nan LOL.

How tough are we!

Hi blog readers, well the masses are collecting and seem to be enjoying cafe zante which is a good thing so i hope to chat to a few of you online in the chat room if i ever get finshed early which i hope doesn't happen for my business sake not because i don't want to chat to you all HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I would never have believed it but my bar has been voted the second most favourite in Kalamaki on a certain website after Cave Bar which is fair enough as it is a beautiful place, there was a disagreement saying that these people haven't visited my bar but i would argue against that as i have had a very busy season and met loads off the certain site, not bad for a bar that has nothing apart from soft lights, nice furniture and chill out music, oh and a short ass welshman that the customers take the piss out of but thats cool as some people can take life to serious, you know who you are, BOO! Lifes to short to complain and moan so get a grip and get a life, live life for today enjoy it while you can as you may not be here tomorrow.

Where did that come from, i'm now a philosopher, i'm not up to the greeks Socrates standard yet. (Thats Socrates the greek philosopher not Socrates the brazilian football player)

Life is sweet!

"Look ma i'm on top of the world" its all going to plan here even though its hit and miss with nights, one night every seat full the next quiet but still hitting target, all my customers have been so nice and have been great company, i talk to every customer that comes in and its nice to find out about other people, some people have even made out they've been in to my bar but haven't, hey thats up to them but whats the point. so its now time for the pool and to chill before opening. as you can tell i'm in a very chilled out mood typing this, life is sweet.

Its a record!

Wow last night i was as busy as a doughnut seller who had visited weight watchers LOL

The lightning quick pace of my short stumpy legs were put to the test, the best sellers of the night were my cocktails (only original brands used) even with me selling Mythos 1.50 euro a pint. Would have helped being a octopuss last night having 8 arms to shake them all but i survived with just the 2 and everyone had a jolly good night and hit over the 400 euro mark. It may not seem much but if you've seen the size of my bar thats good going.

I don't have any blackboards outside bar or promotions, my customers come in for the look of the bar and to relax also to see me sprint across to the shop when i run out of stuff, My record is 29 seconds which i set last night and was timed by an independent judge. I must buy some go fast stripes for my trainers to make me go quicker or even buy some slippers as when i was a kid i could run faster in my Star Wars slippers, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ME!

Free the Zakynthos 1!

Since my ban from a certain site a campaign has been started up to "FREE THE ZAKYNTHOS 1" Sir Bob Geldolf has even started plans for a concert at OCEANIC BAR, yes thats OCEANIC BAR LOL

I've had many e-mails since with support for me and asking why so here is THE TRUTH, behind my ban pending, i'm very lazy so i'll just post it on here instead of e-mailing everyone individually also i wasn't even notified of the ban and the site owner has been on the island but wouldn't come in to see me to talk it through, so they had the chance to sort this but didn't and the owner even drove past my bar.

Anywhooo, I told the owner of the site that 2 leading members of their site (wobbly-wimples.com) had been victimising my bar and members could see that, also i told the owner that the site had gone down hill, that 1 of the members was damning the island instead of promoting it which wasn't helping matters with tourism over here and the other member had been spreading rumours about my private life (not the bar) which is none of their business and if i want people to know my private life i will tell them on here. Anyway the rumours weren't true so that shot the certain member down in flames. So folks i then got a ban for telling the owner whats been going on while the 2 members who are doing wrong continue to post. If i'm banned pending an investigation so should the other 2 don't you think?

The reason for me posting this is because of my ban members are only getting one side of the story on the site so on here i can tell the real reason.

I've been hearing positive feed back about my readers support and i'd like to thank you all very much, the revolution starts here, FREE THE ZAKYNTHOS 1.

Well would you believe it!

My world is going to fall apart. I've only ever been naughty once (when i was 10 i stole a mars bar from woolworths) But now i've been banned from a certain website, no not Hotnuns.com but another site. I say this "YOU WANT THE TRUTH, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" LOL.

Some people would prefer to sweep things under the carpet than listen to the truth but pretty soon that carpet will have a big lump in it and its hard to flatten it when it gets to big, oh well my life goes on but some peoples lives may stop as they don't have me to talk about and bad mouth LOL

Anywhoooo life on this wonderful island is going so well i have now started shopping at Lidl twice a week as i can now afford to, Oh am i allowed to mention Lidl? of course i can, i can mention what i want its my blog, Lidl is great its the best supermarket on the island, i went there everyday on my holiday, thats my honest opinion i just hope it doesn't get deleted LOL you know who you are you naughty people.

I've created a monster!

Dear diary,
The gummy bear vodka has taken a turn in events it is now "VODKA GUMMY BEARS" 1 week has passed and the gummy bears have drunk all the vodka and are at mutant size, i fear the worse. These once innocent creatures are now drunken vodka filled body mass monsters. "THE BOTTLE CANNY TAKE MUCH MORE CAPTAIN SHE GONNA BLOW" i must free these hostile jelly animals and hope for the best but whoever comes across one, approach with caution and as for the results if you do, DEVISTATION!

Where's my bar?

My bar is on the old road of kalamaki opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel, its on the old road opposite the cavo doro hotel.

Its ok its not a mis-type its just nice to be able to tell people freely where it is LOL

When 2 titans collide!

I've been in my alcohol laboratory creating the frankensteins monster of the bar world, hahahahahahahahah! Oh yes my precious you shall be the ultimate in drink sensations, i call on the winds, sea, earth, lightning and the gods, come alive my creation rise up the bottle and show yourself in all your glory, ITS ALIVE, ALIVE I TELL YOU!

You all want to know don't you, well its mine all mine hahahahahahaha! Stop trying to see through your webcams, its locked away in a chilled device ready to unleash its full wrath upon anyone who dares to drink it, and it shall be called GUMMY BEAR VODKA!

A large bag of gummy bears sacrificed their lives to make this creation come alive but they did it with honour falling in to the bottle 1 by 1 like paratroopers jumping to a certain death mission.

Wow i'm hot!

No i'm not talking about my handsome good looks, athletic physique or that cheeky welsh smile i mean the temperature. If i was something cooking device i'd say i would be between a george forman grill and charcoal heated BBQ i'm that bloody hot, so thats hotter than a toaster just in case so you can judge for yourselves how hot it is.

On a very odd note i spotted a blind person riding a scooter, how did i know he was blind cause he still had his white stick with black handle fully extended out to the side, I KID YOU NOT!

The bar is going very very well, for the past week between 9.30pm and midnight almost every seat is taken but its like tipsy musical chairs when a sofa becomes available so i have to almost be like a boxing Ref to stop any fights but all my customers are very polite so i don't have to jump in and split the handbags up, the atmosphere in my bar amongst the customers is almost like a garden party with cucumber sandwiches, jolly good show.

NOTE TO SELF: get more sofas

The secret diary of kevlar aged 38 and 3/4

As the heading says its a secret LOL I will save all the scandal, gossip, drunken nights, crazy mornings and ouzo fuelled orgies for my autobiography
"KEVLAR - Through hell and back"

As of yet i haven't even got a page one as nothing has happened, oh hang on i ate 6 crumpets at 5am in the morning, wow how wild am i!

Although my fictional private life is now sweeping its way across the uk through the internet, soon Channel 5 will pick up on it and start a docu-soap as its so thrilling my alternate life, It will be a cross between The Office and Carry on, lots of humour but no actual nookey.

I've decided to become a poet

In my spare time i've watched the flowers in the wind, with the sun gently teasing their petals, the kittens play beneath the trees as the dogs sleep without a care, in the distance childrens laughter is heard along with the splashing of water, people wander not knowing where they're going but don't really mind, a white van passes with a loud speaker on top shouting out "get your plant pots, plastic balcony furniture and size 11 trainers here" , cars wheel spin with banging music blasting out, The lovely screaching sound of a motorbike doing 100 miles per hour races by you as you relax with a frappe, rose sellers bugging you by stroking your newly groomed hair till you buy a dead rose, Time share touts shove leaflets under your nose to buy a property that you can never get the dates you want, What a wonderful world.

What you think for a first attempt LOL

Why are people so nasty.

Why are some people so nasty when they don't even know you or met you, the incident i'm speaking of is......NORMAL SHREDDIES IN A FROSTED SHREDDIES BOX! Why would someone at Nestle be so horrible, my world almost fell apart.
What, i have to put my own sugar on? its just not the same, i need that lovely sweet coating that also flavours the milk. Good job i had a back up packet.

Apart from that major trauma yesterday it was a lovely day by the pool with a ice tea and fruit salad, have to keep the body in trim ready for when i get into my speedos and sandals (that is a joke by the way). The pool was empty so i made the most of it splashing about like a dolphin at sea world having a sprat held up for him to do a trick apart from i don't eat fish or have a tail or fin or blow hole or click or jump through hoops, really thinking about i was nothing like a dolphin more like a short ass welshman drowning but i enjoyed it even though a rather large bellied dutch person looked at me in disgust as i got water on him while he was standing at edge of pool thrusting his possing pouch out in what i think was some sort of exercise or maybe it was a mating ritual to a elderly lady across the other side of pool, either way this splash of cold water stopped him in his tracks and made him look like a big girl. Oh well he can show off his amazing display today without any worry.

Time to get a tan.

Well its time to frighten the turtles back into the see and strip off to my shorts to expose this very pastey coloured body to those wonderful UV rays (Disclaimer: i do not promote the use of the suns powers to get a golden tan).

Its an amazing sight to behold, FIRST DAY SUNTAN! Doesn't the human body look great with the amazing hint of lobster suntan and sock or strap marks. This years collection from the catwalks of New York, Paris, Milan and Blackpool, "Here we have Kate Moss wearing the vest with halter neck bikini strap marks and the albatross arm position due to sunburn", "And for the men Tyson is wearing the brown sandal with blue and red trim white socks accompanied by the to tight pair of Speedos and bum bag look" MMMM how fetching. To be at the top of the fashion tree you must have all 4 items for the gents.

I must admit only seen 2 gentlemen at the height of fashion this season so far and they were dutch, i think.

Happy safe tanning people!

There is a bike under all that dirt.

Today is a day for much celebration, I cleaned my bike, i mean not just a sprinkle of water, i took all the seats and saddle bags off and actually used a towel to clean it.

Yes hard to imagine i know me with marigolds on rubbing my engine (please no rude replies at this point) but being as i had my hose out i thought i would give it a once over (again please this is a family friendly blog). Reading back over that last sentence it could be a sketch from a bad carry on film.

The sun is shinning here and i must admit everything is going swimmingly in the kevlar world and couldn't have asked for a better start. I have frosted Shreddies, black pudding and treacle pudding and now found a supermarket selling crumpets. 3.10 euro for 6 not bad when you haven't had a bit of crumpet for a while.

At this point i will stop typing as it is turning into a carry on film. I shall wait till the spirit of Sid James has left me before i post again HA,HA,HA.

"Maybe we'll get to bust some heads along the way"

Its ok i'm not being violent its a quote from most probably the most amazing film ever to be made "The Warriors". So this post is dedicated to "Ajax" who adds comments to my blog as i believe that that is the reason for your fine username?

Anyway enough back slapping, The old lady seems to have left me for now but she's a cheeky minx.

My bar is becoming this strange phenomenon as "the bar that doesn't exist" Its name gets wiped from all known files, just to utter its name can cause grief and woh, next you'll see blurred pictures of the bar popping up from a loch or running towards trees away from cameras, holidaymakers will say they've seen it but no one will believe them, "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE" The Oceanic files.

The old lady has possesed me again! AAGGGH!

"oops dear, who's your lady friend, who's the little girlie by your side" Its a strange occurance, every now and again i break out into songs from the war. "hey nonny nonny, fiddle de dee" Stop it your old bag. As people may already know i like my rock/indie music so breaking out into these songs is embarrasing "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs over dover" i said shut it you fausty old woman, be gone and leave me to sing proper songs.

Anywhooo, thank you to the readers of this serious blog i've set up and BOO! to those who make out they don't read it, you know who you are you naughty people LOL

Wow, I didn't realise my life was so interesting

Well from what i'm hearing about my life on the island i'm having a amazing time, wish i knew about it LOL

My little accident on my bike has ended up being a head on collision with a coach and pulled from an almost burning wreck, wrong!
I have a lady in my life a making loads of amazing whoopee, Wrong! (I WISH)
I will be out of business by september, Wrong! I'm paid up front till next season and only been open 5 days and the landlord is giving me may next season free as i couldn't open till now so i'm here till at least june 2008, sorry. LOL.
I'm strange, because i keep myself to myself and very private and don't join in with the rumours and gossip, Wrong! its called i got better things to do with my life like pick belly button fluff out of my naval.

So here's the reality and direct from the strange stuntman stud who's going out of business.

I wake up clean my bar, go to beach or pool, have a siesta then open bar, close bar then go home have frosted shreddies then go to bed, Wow how exciting is my life, well the frosted shreddies part is anyway LOL

Any questions about my amazing life don't hesitate to ask and i'll put the rumours straight for you.
(Kevlar has the right to the 5th amendment on certain topics such as height, weight and bank balance) LOL

3 days open, 3 days good

Well i'm not Richard Branston (or is that the pickle) yet but i've hit my target 3 out of 3 but in any business you take the rough with the smooth so not expecting to hit it every night but its a nice relief to do so after all the effort and time i put into getting it open. Using the first week as trial to iroon out any wrinkles, shame it couldn't iron out the bags from under my eyes, first night closed 4.30am, second 3am and last night 2am but 2am is the time i'm looking at closing but if the people are drinking i'm there with them no problem.

The feed back so far from all my customers is good and i'm bringing back the art of conversation in bars, i better start to learn some new long words to impress the clients LOL perhaps that welsh town with train station, you know the one, SPITFLEMHACKGOBDRIBBLECOUGHSPLURGEBELCHGOGOGOCH!

Woohoo, Yeehaa and all the rest!

Today after using a tank of petrol, miles of walking, hundreds of steps and more money i have all my licences and can now legally open, no more hiding under the counter i can serve a beer with confidence.

Its been a very long and stressful process but i come through it in the end, what don't kill you only makes you stronger GGRRRR!

I'm exhausted at the moment so its a vodka, pizza and to bed to recharge the batteries ready for the grand opening tomorrow 30th may 2007, woohoo. It will be difficult to stay sober on the first night but i'll try LOL

Surprise Surprise - is Cilla Black on the island?

Well would you believe it, i still can't open yet as more tax stamps needed, Just give me the bloody stamp and i'll do it myself LOL

All inspections passed, licence has the go ahead as now its just changing over owners instead of applying for new one but another tax stamp needed and i have to produce my blue card resident permit to pick up my licence but once again my blue card is delayed, it was going to be ready within 2 days, 16 days later my police report from athens still hasn't come back.

I wonder if they've found out that i stole a mars bar from woolworths when i was 10, OH NO! I'm on interpols most wanted list.

My life so far in zakynthos, its a rollercoaster, good job i like them. LOL

Well lets see, ah yes february i came to this lovely island to start the joys of paperwork, on my final day i needed one signature for the paperwork to progress and the woman had a day off and no one else could sign it, bugger.

Jump forward 2 weeks to my return to zakynthos middle of march, paperwork starts again, work on bar goes well and its ready to open 1st may.

OUCH! Dreaded wisdom tooth gives me so much pain extraction is needed which leaves me with serious side effects and wipes out my immune system. Damn you viruses, fever, headaches, cold, sickness, ill for 5 weeks. Ah the joys of teeth.

2 weeks into season still waiting on paperwork but then a message comes to me, "YOU CAN OPEN" only to be told by my accountant i need another 4 papers to go with the other 20 million i have before i can open. My paperwork has now wiped out half the amazon rain forrest.


Wed 16th may, easy rider almost becomes ghosts rider as i put my bike in a ditch and can't remember a thing, Those aliens are a bugger for wipping your memory clean after medical testing. Bike and rider are fine minor scratches and i'm trying to sue the alien Kodos of the planet Anusprobus16 but no answer on his mobile, bloody signal on that planet is crap.

Friday 18th may, still no sign of my final paper then Lord Lucan shows up (previous english bar owner) who has been off the island 18 months, what a lovely surprise to find out he still owns everything in the bar but all was sorted sunday morning so you won't get piles sitting on the floor now and the word was given to open Tueaday but i like surprises so i bet there will be another one tuesday. I can't wait.

"I'm going slightly mad" as queen once sang.

I know i know, what a well kept blog i have, up to the minute reports on my progress with in depth detail LOL

Well I was 5'6" now i'm 5'4" with all the running about from office to office, my little legs carry me as fast as they can "RUN FORREST". I had the go ahead to open om monday only to be told the tax office wanted to inspect the building so my accountant said the building had to be empty and that meant everything had to be stored away and i mean everything. The joys of opening a business in greece LOL. Really this part should have been at the beginning not when i've completed the bar for opening.

On the up side i got a 32" plasma tv for 285 pound, don't know where i'm going to put it in my apartment as it will be like sitting in front seat of cinema but i'll save on batteries for the remote as i'll be sat close enough to use the buttons on tv. Now what film shall i watch first.

FIRE! FIRE! Where?

On friday the lovely bar was waiting for a fire officer to inspect her between 12-2pm, 11am i arrived all bright eyed and nervous hoping the greek insulation tape connections wouldn't be found, 7 hours later still no inspection only to be told at 7pm that due to a fire there would be no inspection till monday, DAMN! another wasted day when i could have been washing my smalls.

Today at 10am i had my fire inspection and the bar passed, woohoo. Oh how we rejoyced at the words "pick up your certificate wednesday". The bar isn't that big inside and i have 2 fire extinguishers but needed to install a fire hose, you never know when the fire department may need another hose for a forest fire as my bar definately doesn't need it.

Now all i need is a firemans uniform and i'm part of the team.

Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen rang he wants me on 'changing rooms'

What a hectic past few days. I've been running around like a woman in a car without a 'sat nav' (joke ladies). yesterday my beautiful bike had jet propultion added to it, well i was carrying fire extinguishers in either saddle bag and looked like i had red jet packs on either side, the reason for this was for my fire certificate for the bar the extinguishers had to be filled and checked.

I've now painted the bar in a white shade of white with a magnolia border. To be honest i didn't have a ladder to paint top half of wall so i painted white half way up the wall and left the top half magnolia, also i have re-furbished my chairs, my spray graffiti days came in handy at this point when spraying frames. I now have re-covering seats down to a fine art and only takes me 2 minutes a seat. I have my version of "Handy Andy" its a stray dog that i dip in paint and let it rub against walls to dry itself off but he's only the height of a corgi so good for skirting boards, better get a great dane.

Word of this got to lawrence and the phone call did come but i said sorry my welsh comrade i'm not into frilly shirts even though you do look rather dandy, my friends who visit the island of zakynthos need me and i will not fail them but i am open to doing a serious in the winter and the working title is "Bodge it with Kevlar' The no brainers guide to DIY. My moto is 'super glue everything then paint over it'

Pictures of the transformation will follow once i figure out how to fix my camera, i know, super glue it and paint over it.

Some readers pics