The Kevlars Speech!

This year has been an horrible anus. No not like the Queens year where she had her annus horribilis, i literally have had a horrible anus. In March i had a dodgy curry from Mr. Tak Tak's and only just last month i had a pimple on the right cheek and god was it sore sitting down.

Its Christmas time and we must not forget the true meaning of Christmas, to love, care and cherish the people around us and of course not forgetting the baby Jebus (ref. Homer Simpson). Now with me being a Reverend and often reading Gideons Bible that you find in the bedside drawer in hotels I've come across a few flaws in the whole Jebus story. OK, so first there was Adam and Eve, the snake sort of spoilt it for them by making them take the apple and their leafs falling off and basically creating the original sin. Now if they weren't meant to do the jiggy jiggy how would we all of got here? Secondly, Moses was alive 1500 years before Jebus and the 10th commandment was "you shall not covet your neighbour's wife". Move on 1500 years and Mary, who is married to Joseph is having a baby but the baby is the son of God. Bet Joseph was a bit miffed at that and then what happened to gods 10th Commandment? Oh, so its OK for God to go about willy nilly coveting his neighbours wife but for mortal man its a no no. There are allot more holes in this story but that's a few I'm worried about. Anywhoo, Jebus, manger, angels, 3 wise men and Frankie goes to Hollywood's "The power of Love" playing in the background while the little saviour is born is a lovely image for Christmas. 

As the year comes to a close we could talk about the Jubilee, Olympics, royals making babies, Plebgate and of course Jordan's 100th marriage but no, I'll leave that for the little old lady that lives in a huge house and doesn't pay any bills.

The weather this year has been terrible in the UK, terrible floods and heartache at the damaged caused by the waters but out of every disaster comes joy and the joy out of this story is Paul Daniels got flooded out again, what does he expect he lives next to a river and has been flooded out 4 times all together, MOVE!

What do these things have in common, Jubilee, Olympics, Nirvana reforming and the opening of a Lidl in Skipton? Yep you got it, saggy faced old codger, Sir Paul Macartney.  Please retire and go away.

What do these things have in Common, bad jokes, slurring words, unfunny and rubbish dancing? Yep, its the wig wearing old codger Bruce Forsyth, Please retire and go away.

Its been a year of more crappy reality shows, more crappy music being released "gangnam style" (what the*@$)! and crappy politics that not many people actually care about as its a joke.

In a year where we have all had our tough times and stress we can take comfort in the fact that we're not as ugly as the cast of TOWIE which i think you'll agree is a blessing and in times of trouble we should keep a picture of the cast in our wallets and purses. Just when we think things can't get any worse we can pull out the picture and be gratefully that we're not as thick, fake and butt ugly as the cast of TOWIE. We thank you oh TOWIE cast.

I will very quickly mention the Olympics, Great for London, debt for the rest of the country.
I can feel a few knighthoods coming on. I knew a guy who used to delivery meat on a bicycle in all weathers, think he should get one if other cyclists get one, after all its just riding a bike.

Sport this year has been wonderful, Wales winning the Grand Slam, think that's it.

For Greece it has been a terrible struggle this year, for me all i can say is WOOHOO! Cigars rolled on the thighs of a Cuban Virgin for me. Am i allowed to say that anymore?

Lets look to the future, Sunshine in Cyprus, Sunshine in Zante and rain, cold, and grey in Bolton.
We have some special days ahead of us in the new year, lots of laughs, lots of booze and lots of meeting new friends and old at Oceanic. We all have many days ahead of us so lets not dwell in the past as we can't change whats happened but we can look forward to 2013 and make the most of each day we have, after all we only get one shot at this life on earth so seize the day, make the most of it. Go crazy once in while. Use goose fat on those roast potatoes, buy heinz ketchup instead of happy shoppers, add that extra spoon of sugar in your tea and what the hell, wear those summer shorts to town at the first sign of sunshine even if its freezing, why not eh!

From Helen and I we wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope all the days ahead of you are happy and fun filled ones, after all "Lifes what you make it" you shape your future. Till next Christmas, this is Kevlar saying thank you to you all and may God be with you, well not everywhere of course but on journeys and stuff like that.

P.S. sorry this isn't in 3D but the little old lady has got the only 3D camera available on christmas Day. I was offered 1D but i couldn't have stood listening to absolute shite music on such a fun day LOL