Blimey, has it been that long since my last update. Sorry about that my loyal subjects but I've been working harder than Fern Britons gastric band.
Well, Christmas day is almost here and if i was alive at the same time as Charles Dickens his story A Christmas Carol could have been my biography but without the ghosts. I hate Christmas if I'm being honest, having to eat sprouts, watching repeated movies and of course endless shops playing Christmas songs isn't my idea of fun.
Toys R Us is at full speed now and Father Christmas is pushing us little helpers to the limit. I remember when i started at Toys R Us 12 years ago we used to have 8 Santa's helpers, now there are only 3 of us, myself, James and Darren. Its amazing how things have changed over those 12 years.
As i always do every Christmas i give you an insight in to my work and the toys at Christmas so let the Toy Story begin.
Here folks are 2 England players you can buy to make a collection can you name these 2 world famous stars? A Clue, they look bugger all like the players they are meant to be.
I am a bit worried about the next 2 toys. Mobile Phones for kids. I mean, do we really need to have this sort of toy so early on in a child's life. From the cot they are being shown how not to talk to people and just sit by themselves and use social network sites or even sit with people and use social network sites LOL. The first phone is for the age 9-30 month, the second phone is so they can get an upgrade when they are 2+ years so it would be like when we get an upgrade after an 18 month contract.
Now they say that caffeine is no good for children but here is a espresso machine for a 3+ year old child. Its not just any normal espresso machine, oh no, it also makes a Macchiato. Bloody hell, i still don't know what a machiatto is and i drink the things.
I'm sure that all the parents out there love their children but whichever one buys this doll for their little girl must want to give the poor child nightmares. Can you imagine waking up to this psycho looking doll, you'd be traumatised from a very young age LOL.
I've taken this picture as i've decided to get this water park built at the back of the Oceanic but there will be a law "No Speedos Allowed" unlike in the pic.
NOTE:- The water park will be made to the same scale as the toy.
I can feel a court case coming on, me against Playmobil. How dare they take a picture of me on my bike and use it on their product.
As we all know i'm going slightly thread bare on top and have been thinking of what to do in a few years time. Do i have a hair transplant or do i wear hats? Well neither, i've decided i'm going to have Minnie Mouse ears transplanted on to my head instead. Here is a preview of how their going to look like.
Well, the first Oceanic tour is over and it was to Leeds. Arrived on a Sunday and met up with Gaz, Jayne, Kathryn, Carl, Dave and the legend, the man, the myth himself, DEZ. Was great to see them all. The Dry Dock was the first port of call where we had a quick pint then moved on to Wetherspoons. It was bloody freezing, why oh why did we move on. Had a few more drinks but then it was time for bed as it had been a long day. A big thank you to all that showed up and an apology to Gaz and Jayne for not taking their pic but Helen didn't get her phone out till late on.
Day 2 of our tour and on to Skipton. Lovely little place, really like it here, had good times.
Again another cold day but we took a tour around the street market, had a coffee in a shop called something like "bean loved" and ate in a pub which i forget the name of but it has all old beer mats on the wall in frames and looks like they have folk music in there sometimes, its off a side street towards the canal.
While here we met up with Rachel, Leigh, Richard, Trudie and little Kell. Boy does that little guy have strong lungs and a healthy appetite. Think he gets that from his dad LOL.
You all must know by now that i like my pies and in Skipton i had the best pie ever. It was a black pudding and pork pie. Oh My God, i was in pie heaven. If i lived in Skipton you'd have to build me a house with a super wide doorway as i'd be that huge from all the pies you'd have to roll me out the door.
Talking of people being rolled out of doors, remember Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Violet Bowregard was rolled out of Willy Wonkas factory and that leads me on to a shop also in Skipton that sells Wonka Bars. WOW!
Can you tell i'm excited at the fact i bought a bar. Unfortunately i look more like Macaulay Culkin than excited. Damn that child star and Home Alone.
I thought that Skipton would be a lovely place to live and found a house just the right size for me. I'm just a bit worried about if there was a fire, i wouldn't be able to reach the fire extinguishers as they're to high up the wall. I will find out the sale price and if they can lower the extinguishers.
Day 3 and we start off with a Costas Coffee. While drinking my coffee i decided to act out the scene from Star Wars where Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are blowing up Tie-Fighters. Helen just read the paper while i made laser noises.
This is the Arcade of the side of Harvey Nichols store which was a wonderful sight to see. Harvey Nichols wasn't so wonderful to see, jesus that place is expensive and i have to say my Oceanic T-shirts would look great in the mens department.
The last night of the tour and Dez came over to go out for a curry. Well, when in Leeds you got to have a curry. Akbars was the place and on the menu i could see "Family Nan Bread". Got to have it. When it came out i thought they'd brought me a Quilt to take home with me in case i was cold. It was huge. Just so you can see how big it was Dez has kindly put his bottle of Cobra Beer next to it. This was a very kind gesture of Dez as usually you would have to kill him before he'd let go of his beer LOL.
Don't forget at 3pm on Christmas day i will be giving my alternate speech to the Queens speech on this blog. So if you don't fancy being bored to death by a blue rinsed old lady going on about her jubilee, the olympics and a great grand child on the way then click on this blog and hopefully i will have some words of wisdom for you. I doubt it but i'll try, if not then we'll just have a good laugh.
So until my christmas speech and then a further update i shall bid your fairwell and get myself ready for work.
