oh my god, OH MY GOD, OOOOOHHHH MYYYY GGGGGOD! CHRISTMAS TREE CRUMPETS, WOOHOO!

So I am now 2 weeks in to my 6 week stretch and no side effects as yet, still being prodded and pocked, blood samples and lung test, peeing in tubes and being feed and stuffed ready for Christmas. I now know what a turkey feels like a few weeks before Christmas LOL.

Every day is the same in here:-

5.45am - I wake up every morning at this time without the aid of a alarm clock or a wake up call, bit annoying really.
6.30am - I head in to the shower and get myself ready for the day.
8am - Nurses come in and wake up the other human guinea pigs, I mean study volunteers. ECG pads attached to our bodies which must be kept on all day.
9am - The first of our main tests for the day, ECG, Blood Pressure, Blood Samples, Spirometry test (lung test), Neurological test (Brain Test)  and Urine test.
11am - Breakfast, 2 slices of brown toast & Bran Flakes
1pm - Second main test ECG, Blood Pressure, Spirometry test and Neurological test.
After tests its lunchtime, Ham Salad, crisps and piece of fruit (Variety of main meals to choose from)
3pm - ECG and Blood Pressure.
5pm - ECG and Blood Pressure.
After tests its tea time, Choice of 2 main meals and 2 desserts.
9pm - ECG and Blood Pressure.
After tests its supper time, a nice banana.
Then rip of the ECG pads (thank god) and relax watching TV till time for sleep 12-1am.

Repeat for 42 days, without any exercise and maybe 5mins a week fresh air break outside LOL.

So I haven't really got much to tell you, its a bit like the film Groundhog Day but I have been watching more TV than ever before and my question is, why the hell is there a TV licence as TV is so crap?

So lets start with "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here". Now this I usually watch if I can, I know shock horror, but if it wasn't for Ant & Dec I most probably wouldn't watch it as there little bits in the show are the best bits, oh and the eating bush tucker trials. So as I settle down to watch it I think to myself, "These celebs are definitely the bottom of the barrel". And that Joey Essex.... please, really? How good an actor is he? I know he's from that fake show TOWIE,  how can someone be as thick as pig swill? He Say's he "Only knows what he needs to know", he's got no general knowledge at all in that case.  He says he's never known how to blow his nose, so no one has every told him to blow his nose and teach him in 23 years, what does he do just let it dribble out or keep his nose blocked? He thinks a cabbage is a lettuce, so he's had lettuce on a Sunday roast? He can't tell the time with a standard watch, so everywhere he's ever been without wearing a watch he didn't know what time it was? He thought hail stones were snow, so he's never seen hail stones ever before in his 23 years on this planet without someone saying to him "That's hail stones". Either he really is that thick and was brought up in a dark room along with mushrooms till someone let him out to appear on TOWIE or he's been acting thick for so long on TOWIE that he can't get out of character, I think its the later of the two. The UK must be the only country in the world that rewards people for being brainless idiots. Anyone visiting the UK from abroad and watching the programme must be thinking "We thought we got it bad but the UK people are dumb as hell".
Now on to SKY as we have SKY TV in the medical centre. I don't have SKY at home, used to years and years ago, maybe last time I had it was 2000 but why do people pay the crazy monthly price for channels that repeat programmes over and over again in one day? I have only been in the medical centre for 2 weeks and I've seen the same programmes and movies on certain channels twice within 1 day and 8 times within 2 weeks. I guess they keep repeating them for the whole of a month and they'll change in December, so glad I don't have SKY myself anymore. My Smart TV is better than SKY, I can watch all my sport, movies and certain programmes on it all for free and when I want to watch them.
Stobarts - a programme about a trucking company. I have seen these trucks but do we really need a programme about them, its not exactly ice road truckers is it. I learnt in today's programme how to check if a load is strapped down & secured properly, twang the straps, BRILLIANT! What a trucker eats while on a journey, prawn salad, AMAZING! What happens if a lorry is overweight with wood chippings, take some off, GROUND BREAKING! What makes a certain truck driver deliver his load on time to Cornwall, get to Cornwall before his favourite pasty shop closes, GENIUS!

As I was watching rubbish on TV I started thinking back to Zakynthos and what it must have been like when tourism first started there, so I decided to look for some old pics of the first British tourists who came to the island and I found these:-

For this gent it was his first trip outside of good old Blighty , in those days sun tan lotion was lard with no UV protection, if no lard then a suit, shirt and tie must be worn at all times. He was told by his neighbour that the foreign sun can burn your eyes out, so Mr. Chumley Higenbottom was taking no chances.

News from medical scientist in the UK said that you can be protected from UV rays in foreign lands if you sit behind glass. This health conscious young lady decided to take her own glass panel with her to sit behind, well done Betty, good thinking.

This unfortunate gent was told that if he hired a boat and paddled out about 50m that he would see turtles. On seeing a turtle he stood up to have a better view and forgot he was on water and fell head first back in to the boat. Due to the hospital being full with young whipper snappers from Laganas he had to carry the boat around on his head for another week.

Zakynthos town now, this tourist decided to visit for some food. after asking for bread and dripping he was presented with Lamb Kleftiko. On seeing the dish he said loud and slowly " I WANT BREAD AND DRIPPING.I'm not eating this foreign muck, I want English food" to which the waiter stood him up and hit him over the head with his chair.
There was a huge language barrier in the first days of tourism.

The live entertainment when tourism first started was very limited but they still had tribute acts even in those days here is Johann Sebastian BARK tribute act.

And finally here is the first ever hen night to Laganas. These ladies partied hard for 1 week on a daily diet of tea and scones then an afternoon sherry. They were always degrading themselves and seen as a disgrace to women as they were always getting their ankles out, boy did these ladies know how to enjoy themselves.

 

Now then, what's this I hear from Oceanic's facebook.....CHRISTMAS TREE CRUMPETS, WOW!

That is so not fair, imagine what I can do with those, that would be a great day in the Kevlar kitchen, so much scope for decoration and toppings. They better still be available when I get out or I'll be soooooo mad.

 

I hate Christmas but I love crumpets.

 

 

Also I was told that someone was asking about how come I'm not in Toys R Us, well, they know I do these medical trials and are very kind in letting me have the time off to do the trials that I get if it coincides with work time at the store.

 



So it's now day 18 of 42 and its all going well and it wont be long before I'm back in the outside world on the 23rd with my beautiful girl, can't wait to see her. Helen is taking me to Iceland (frozen food store not the country) as soon as I get out. The adverts during I'm a celeb have made me want to buy shares in the company, I'm definitely getting the beef garland and all that nibble party food, mmmmmmmmm buffets. Also with getting out on the 23rd I miss having to do decorations and Christmas shopping , WOOHOO! LOL

 

On the next update I will be posting pictures of my moustache I have grown for Movember, its really starting to get on my nerves now but only 1 more day then it can come off, thank god. Growing this moustache has been more uncomfortable than the study I'm on.

 

I'm sure i had something else to tell you .......................... ah well, can't remember.

 

So that's it for this update so until a fortnights time for the next bomb shell, explosive update, I shall say "hwyl fawr".

 

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!





And so it begins...........44 days and counting!

And how the devil are we? Are you all well? Yes I know, its raining, cold and grey and we all can't wait till its Zakynthos time.

 

Just a quick add on to my last post before I start the update, this advertising poster was still up in Costa Coffees (other coffee shops are available) window, 7 days after Halloween. Drives me mad when an event has passed and businesses leave advertising which is out of date.

 

 

 

Well the winter so far has been going swimmingly don't you know. Been getting out whenever I can to go to Swansea, out for walks, and out to go food shopping, mmmmmmmmm love food shopping, Co op's shares must go down when I go back to Zakynthos LOL. I also enjoy my days out to Swansea and having a walk around, chillin out in Costa's with my caramel latte and granary toast while I read in the daily rags reporting which z list celebrity has snogged another z list celebrity. Winter is also a terrible time for me due to the fact its "crap factor" and "strictly come boredom" time. Why are these programmes still going? Not that I watch much TV but talk about dragging it out, do they both have to use up 2 nights of valuable air time?

On my way back home from Swansea there is a column with the writing of Dylan Thomas on it, I think he was writing it about me LOL.

 

Also on TV at the moment is Masterchef: The Professionals, now as you know my crumpet range is second to none and all the famous TV chefs and Jamie Oliver are shaking in their boots at the thought of me opening my chain of Crumpet Creation eateries but just to show you once again I'm not a one trick pony and can mix it with the big boys I made a Parsnip, Sweet potato and Apple soup with honey, a side of a flat bread with sun dried tomatoes, garlic and herbs and for dessert mini meringues with a mango filling and a fig & Mandarin sauce. How posh am I?

Well I'm now back in my 4th home Simbec. This medical study was on a knife edge if I was going to be on it or not. Took my pre-medical, blood tests were fine, BMI was perfect, urine sample fine, lung test was perfect, ECG test for blood pressure and heart rate was fully fit but my test for TB came back borderline. A re-take of blood test for TB was taken and it came back negative the second time, Phew, must stop hanging around with that badger family LOL.

This study is 42 days in house and 7 return out-patient visits. Walk in the park (NOTE:- The study is not me walking in a park, I mean that's how easy it will be). The staff here do make the stay allot easier, always helpful and friendly, also they always seem to be extremely happy, must be all the drugs they're around.
For the first 3 days I was wired up to so many machines, one of the machines when turned on sounds like the theme from "Magic Roundabout". Had a blood pressure unit on for 24hrs that took readings every half hour during day and every hour through the night, Vital signs tracker on 24hrs a day, telemetry unit plugged in for 12hrs a day and 5 times a day another blood pressure unit attached along with another ECG unit, these are attached just to take readings at certain times of the day and then taken straight back off again. the good thing about doing these studies is that I get a body M.O.T. every year. You'd pay a fortune to have it done privately.
Once all these units are attached I am winched up to the roof where I am left until a storm comes and then a lightning conductor waits for just one bolt of lightning to strike and bring me back to life after which I become, IMMORTAL!
No, sorry that's Frankenstein isn't it? Not me. My apologies.
Once all these units are attached I am lowered in to a water bath where my skeletal system is reinforced with adamantium, I will then burst out of the water chamber and seek vengeance on all those who have crossed me as I have become, IMMORTAL!
Hang on, sorry, got it wrong again haven't I, that's Wolverine isn't it? Not me, oops, my apologies once again.
Once all these units are attached they take all the readings and see if there are any changes between before and after the drug is administered. The first 3 days are a bit manic having all the wires attached all day but now we are in to day 5 and its just vital sign readings taken 5 times a day and the rest is just relaxing. Not my favourite thing to do if i'm being honest but its all for a good cause so I can handle it. Its a Jeremy Kyle guests lifetime dream to lay in bed all day, watching TV and getting paid for it LOL.
The food here is also sooooo good but having to eat 4 times a day between 11am and 9pm every day is a real struggle for me as I only have 1 meal a day usually with some toast in the morning, that's it.
We have at 11am cereal and toast , 1pm a baguette of our choice, crisps and piece of fruit, 5pm a choice of main meal and dessert for example Chicken Korma rice and chips with sticky toffee pudding and custard for after, then at 9pm we have a wide choice of snacks including pies, pasty or sausage roll. So as you can see we're well looked after and the canteen staff again are always very helpful and happy. This place must be the happiest place in the world, its like Disney land with drugs LOL.
So as I said we are on day 5, think my release date is Christmas eve. Wow, just thought, its been a long time since I've heard those words "Release date" ha ha.

Here is a pic of me when I'm fully wired up, I had to draw in the leads that come off the blue pads on my body as i couldn't take a pic when they were attached but that is exactly what I had to wear for 3 days..

Its Movember, so I have joined in with this honourable month and have been growing my moustache for 5 days so far, I was going to post a pic of it but thought I would wait till my final day and take a pic before I shave it off, by then it should be a lovely bushy looking thing but its already starting to annoy me when eating so will be glad when I can shave it off. I've gone for a Hulk Hogan, no, Paul senior from Orange County Choppers, no no, even better, a James Hetfield from Metallica moustache, ah yes, that's it, forget all the others, the ultimate moustache, Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap.

My moustache idols LOL.

We shall see if I can match my moustache idols LOL.

One thing I forgot to say in the last update about the bar was it is no longer up for sale, I did have a few enquiries this season from people about buying it but as I said, I'm staying put and upgrading it.

Well my fine friends and lovely customers, its time to say farewell for now as I'm about to be strapped to a metal sprung bed and electrocuted till I talk, nope, sorry, that's John Rambo from First Blood Part 2 isn't it? Sorry, keep getting it wrong. I mean I'm about to be plugged in to check my vital signs, my mistake and then lunch time.

So until a fortnights time for the next thrilling, rip roaring instalment of my blog,

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar out!

I'm afraid to say Oceanic is no more!

Well guess what.....I'm back in Britain, back to boredom, boring food (in pubs and restaurants) , bad weather and crap TV. No wonder i don't miss it LOL.

So lets start from the last blog update up till the present.

The tour companies really have stuck the boot in to the island for Oct with regards to flights and package holidays. After the first week of Oct allot of the hotels started to close which is a big problem for the hoteliers which in turn has a knock on effect to the restaurants, shops and bars. Most of the people who were coming in to the resort after the first week were staying all inclusive as that was a majority of the hotels that were left open on the tour companies books. On the old road come the end of the second week of Oct there was only myself and Yoyo's open along with Angelina supermarket and Dennis next door to me. Not good at all. I remember in my first 2 seasons that everywhere was open till the very last week of Oct. After the 16th of Oct the only accommodations still open were Meandros hotel and Antonis apt on the old road. The season is meant to be 6 months from start to finish but its being cut shorter and shorter every year down to nearly just 4 months which for businesses with high rent and staffing costs means they only have 4 months to make 6 months costs, difficult.

Anywhoo, my last few weeks went really well, better than i expected considering how dead the resort was. Had nearly all new customers which is a bonus as most of my repeat customers had come out in Sept as they couldn't get out for Oct like they usually do due to flights being stopped in Oct. So again Sept was a major bumper month compared to previous Septembers due to this fact.

Dog relaxing in the bar during the last week open, awwww, she's had the snip LOL.

No this isn't a bat, its a little kitten that appeared in Oceanic during the last week who has now been re-homed in the UK, cute little thing, still prefer dogs.

And as always the last sunset before i left for the UK, BOO, HOO!

Now every year i put up a sign once I'm closed. I always pack away the bar in the dark of night as you never know who's watching to see what i pack away. So at 2.30am on my last night i got to work taking all my lights down, packing furniture away and making sure its all secure and tucked up cosy for the winter. This year i forgot to put my winter sign up and actually had it in my bag and found it when i got home, so here is the sign that should be on the bar now but its in Wales instead LOL.

 

So as the headline says "Oceanic is no more" for this season that is. I know maybe some people on the island will be thinking I've done a runner as one minute the bar was open and the next it was all locked up and i had gone but I'm afraid not, its business as usual and I'll be back next season, so that's put that rumour to bed for the winter. Also it seems my bar is getting a lot of attention while I'm not there from people who never actually come in to see me when I'm there and open, strange eh? Don't worry, I'll be back in 5 months so you can come and see me then if you want, I'm always there to welcome new customers with open arms LOL.

 

So now to summaries the season, i opened, i worked bloody hard, i had my best season so far (yes again), i closed. Think that's about it.

Oh yes, i forgot one more thing. As i have always written on my blog, the bar isn't about me, i just open up. make and serve the drinks and you my wonderful customers create the atmosphere each and every night. Without you the Oceanic is nothing. Its down to you that Oceanic is as successful as it is. Your conversation, your laughter and your company. So this is a huge huge massive thank you to all the the friends and customers old and new for making 2013 such an amazing season. Your the reason i continue trying to improve Oceanic as you deserve the best i can give you, many many thanks once again.

 

Oh yes, the news about the bar, well, the whole bar is having a full make over before next season, new floor being laid, new walls with new wall art, new lighting, new ceiling design, new bar signage, new bar, new frontage, new inside design, new weather proofing and wait for it new furniture, WWWOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! In saying all that the concept is staying the same, just good music and good drinks with great prices, so its still going to be a comfortable chill out bar but hopefully even more comfortable than the previous seasons. As i always say, No TVs, No WIFI, No Entertainment, No Karaoke or Quiz, No Gimmicks, No stress, No hassle, just a plain, simple, friendly bar for customers to relax, chat and enjoy.

 

And just to prove the bar has "NO WIFI" Helen has had a sign especially made for Oceanic.

 

 

I had been planning for weeks to surprise Helen with my arrival back home, i told everyone i was going home on 27th Oct so nothing would get out, i had Helen pestering me day after day to go home on the 25th before the weekend and i had to stay calm and plan it well insisting i wasn't coming home till the Sunday. I booked my flight home for 24th to Manchester, booked a hotel room in Manchester for the night as i arrived late, booked train tickets home for the 25th to surprise Helen as she got off the train from work. This seasons home coming was better than any before, the sight of my beautiful girl so excited to see me as she run towards me was the best feeling ever. It was so good, i almost had a tear, nope, it was a piece of dirt in my eye ha ha.

 

So now to whats been going on at home, absolutely bugger all, bored, bored, bored due to crap weather. Well not completely true, as i haven't really stopped since i arrived home.  I start at Toys R Us once again at the end of Nov which will be my 13th year with them but i may be on one of my medical trials which this time lasts for 6 weeks. Its a very long study which is great, lots of laying around with 4 meals a day, morning papers brought to your bed, sky TV, wifi, good company and a little bonus of a payment at the end of it. There is a down side to this, well for me there is and that is not being able to go outside or do any exercise, that's the big problem for me as I'm always on the go and not one for sitting and laying around, hate it.

 

Now then, call me Mr. Normal but isn't Halloween and Bonfire night just 1 day of the year, 31st Oct and 5th Nov. So how can you have Halloween for a whole week and firework displays all week, ITS JUST ONE DAY! Christmas Day (baby jebus birthday) is just one day, we give presents on one day, that's it. I can't go around saying "its my birthday week", no, its also just one day. So from now on if i see a coffee shop, pub or restaurant with Halloween dec's up before the 31st i am going to boycott it. When i sit down with my caramel latte and granary toast i don't want a skeleton stood next to me and spiders web over my shoulder when its not actually Halloween. Also when Halloween is over please take all that crap down LOL.

 

Talking of Christmas, this lovely (snigger's under his breath) Christmas display is already up in the co-op's coffee shop, this was taken on 30th Oct. Really? Does it need to be up so soon, give us a break.



 

Myself and Helen went to see the film about Paul Potts "One Chance" it wasn't to bad, bit more of a chick flick but it was easy watching. Before we went to cinema we went for drinks in Frankie and Benny's. Helen had a Cosmopolitan and i had a Non-Alcoholic cocktail and i was shocked. For 2 cocktails, one a short glass and the other no alcohol it cost me £11. What the f.........! Your kidding me right? For the same 2 drinks in Oceanic that would cost £4.85, and it would taste stronger, and its made with branded spirits, and you get the whole shaker of Cosmopolitan (3 short glasses). How can anyone complain abroad about the price of drinks when the UK is a total rip off. Oh yes, and this wasn't in a major city like London, Manchester or Preston, no, this was in the bumpkin town of Carmarthen.

The over-priced evidence, really not worth it.

As i was walking around the shops, browsing, trying to spot the shop lifters and killing time i spotted this sign on the escalators in M & S, The sign says "Take extra care when wearing soft plastic shoes" with the image of a Croc Shoe above it. I think it should say "Take extra care when wearing anywhere soft plastic shoes that look like Croc's, you may look like an idiot" LOL. Sorry, Croc wearers, just a little joke but come on, they're not really a good look with socks or when its raining.

Been getting excited about my next concert in Jan, Depeche Mode. My very good friends Chris & Sandra are going to see them in Leeds this month, so jealous, you'll have a great time. As for my concert my world watched actor nephew Leighton Kyle is still trying to sort the train tickets out to Birmingham, "Come on man, pull your finger out". So for anyone going to see them here is "Never Let me Down" live. It makes the hairs on my arms stand up every time i watch it, it even made them stand up just talking about this part of the concert to Chris & Sandra. Enjoy.

Well folks its back to life back to reality, there's a song there somewhere. So the updates will now be every fortnight as usual during the winter. Don't think there will be many sunny pics or spectacular views to be added over the next few months but you never know, we did have 10 sunny days last winter LOL.

Before i forget, the people who have paid for t-shirts for me to send to them when i got back to the UK they will be sent on Tuesday so don't worry i have got them here

I was left a comment on my last update about the haggis in my fridge, its ok, I had it frozen till that picture then I de-frosted it and ate it. what a great meal that was, I loved it. More please ha ha.

So until 2 weeks time, either from Toys R Us or the medical centre, i shall bid you farewell.

Serve All, Love All, Peace All, Kevlar Out!