The promotion has landed and so has a dog!

Well well well, there was I enjoying being a humble Janitor just minding my own business, sweeping around the store, using a machine that goes "BEEP" and counting tins of beans on a shelf like Rainman "37, yes 37, 37 tins of beans, yes 37" when out of the blue i get a promotion to "Bakery and Chicken ovens". The job is alot more physical which i prefer but i now have my instore phone taken off me and the title "Janitor" removed. I used to feel like a member of the Mafia with the title "The Janitor" sounded like the guy that cleaned up the bodies after a hitman, when i used to answer my phone instore i'd answer it in a clint eastwood type voice "The Janitor" sounded so cool now my name can either be "Bake-Chick" or "Chick-Bake" which neither are cool the first sounds like a barbie girl who makes bread and the second sounds like some sort of chicken coating. So must come up with a cool name for the position LOL.

After months of looking for a new dog i finally found one at a dogs shelter that was in the back of beyond with a place name i can't pronounce due to it being typically welsh and having to drench everyone in dribble when you say its name "Foelgastell" or "Cefineithin" it was in between those 2 villages, at least it wasn't at that train station that everyone knows "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch" which means "The church of St. Mary in the hollow of white hazel trees near the rapid whirlpool by St. Tysilio's of the red cave". So you'll pleased to know that the dog i chose was called "LLogachwinpochtaligwynchariaddarbimddinhelenllinosgagagagagachoochooblurspotingdip" which translated is "Quiz" but being as i got writers cramp filling out the vets form her name is now "Petra" and settled in straight away, i will add a picture here once she will sit long enough in front of the pin hole camera i have, state of the art in my house LOL.

Life is manic but good!

Well where do i start, ok lets start with my new jobs. Remeber the cartoon "Hong Kong Phooey" well thats me, no i don't mean i'm a dog who's best friend is a cat.

By day a mild mannered janitor but then at night i'm a superstar barman/DJ in a rock club.

Yes you read correctly in the daytime i'm a janitor for Tesco, when you go shopping in these huge supermarkets you see the guy going around with the stand up dust pan and brush sweeping up bits of paper or pushing a floor scrubbing machine around, you usually think he's a bit simple or the village nutter, well thats me i'm that guy LOL.

On a serious note I don't see why any job should be below someone, i know people that would turn their nose up at being a cleaner even if they were desperate for work but i do the same thing in the bar after my customers, since i've been working there you can see how people are towards cleaners, people seem to treat you like your the lowest of the low or must be uneducated. Your looked down upon by customers and other members of the staff, if only they knew the truth about me that i am well educated and own my own business but i'm happy to do the job and happy for these people to be so narrow minded it just makes me feel like i'm a better person than them.

Then at night i work in a great club that has live music 3 nights of the week and a comedy club on one night, no cheesy music, no groups of people all dressed the same, no idiots, just good music with people that go out to listen to good music and have a good time, i love it there and if there was a resort on Zakynthos apart from Lagana to open this type of bar in i would open it as there is always people who love live music, not a backing track with a singer, a true 4 piece band.

Anyway only 8 weeks left in UK so going to enjoy it at the club until its back to Zakynthos!

Saturday the 28th of Feb was a amazing night went to see The Killers gig and wow what a amazing night, been there seen it and i bought the T-shirt lol from the first song "Human" until the last song "When your young" it was non stop upbeat tunes and Brandon is a great front man. The best gig i've been to and is equal to Guns N Roses at the old Wembly Stadium but they are 2 completely different concerts due to the venues. The arena was jumping for nearly 2 hours solid and you could tell the band were really in to it and also enjoying the night. I've been to some gigs and it has seemed like a chore for the band to be there.

My cooking skills are going from strength to strength every sunday, last sunday i decided to make a essence of chocolate sponge with vanilla buttercream filling and a solid choclate topping, OOOOH! adventurous i know and wait for it Chocolate covered marshmallows and chocolate covered chili peppers, boy are they hot but taste good.

My god the cake was so good but when i ate the chili first it was sweet then hot then it kept on going from sweet to hot so it was a weird eating experience but nice, I tried a chili by itself while making it, oh my god, it burnt my lips, mouth and even went up to the inside of my nose and was burning that, never eaten anything so hot in my life but all good chefs taste their own food LOL

The 2nd annual Oceanic Awards.

Ladies and Gentlemen live from a large bedroom somewhere in Swansea its the second annual Oceanic awards and here is your short ass, dry witted, welsh host Kevlar, "Thank you thank you, oh your to kind, hi there, oh please stop, ok then carrying on, woooowwh, all right, yyeeeaaaah, rrrrrrreeeeeebbbbaaaaaaa, woohoo, ok settle down folks"

Well its that time of the year again where we pay tribute to those who have walked in and stumbled out, those who have started chatting and finished slurring, those who visit as strangers but leave as friends and those who arrive saying "hi" but leave like shakey hand man saying "i love you man".

The second season saw some major highs and can't think of any lows and these awards were set up to reward those customers who helped my business be the success it is. It was a tough awards this year with lots of choice and scope for winners and awards but after the nominations being looked over by a judging panel (me and swearing Elmo) the results are in.

So lets get on with the show and see what lucky winners we have.

THE BEST DRESSED CUSTOMER IN A LEADING ROLL

This was such a fierce fought award this year it was like Naomi Campbel after losing her luggage but with the judging being on style and matching accessories it has to go to Janice and Phil.
Wow what a result, 2 years on the trot.

THE CUSTOMER WITH THE FUNNIEST COMMENT AWARD IN A SUPPORTING ROLL

This stood out head and shoulders above the rest even though this gentleman is head and shoulders shorter than the rest, it goes to 86 year old Les. Les a up to minute music guru who likes Matt Munroe was sat on a sofa outside when he tapped my arm and said "Kevin whats this rubbish your playing, I can't hear it" at that point i buckeled its like what peter kay said in pheonix nights when on the phone "I know who you are, who is it?" but the icing on the cake was the song that was playing was in fact Matt Monroe.

THE MOST HELPFUL CUSTOMER AWARD IN A SITUATION COMEDY

I had many helpful customers through the season, some with advice, some collecting glasses, some offering to help make drinks when i was packed out and some just offering to help drink my stock for free (very kind offer) but this has to go to a lady who went above and beyond the customers duty this award goes to Mary. At certain points during the season my water pump broke down which meant i had to flush the toilets after customers with 5 litre bottles of water, go to behind the bar refill the bottles from hose and put back in toilet, mary took it upon herself to flush the toilet with the bottle take the empty around the back and refill it for me, i found this out when i turned round and saw Mary walking out of the dark with the full bottle like one of those donation comercials to fund water pumps for villages, thank you Mary.

THE "MY CHOICE OF WORDS CHANGE WHEN I'M DRUNK" AWARD

Well if only the customers in my bar could tape themselves after midnight some of the language and slurring i've heard, well my mum would tell me to close the bar down if she new.
But this award has to go to a mild mannered, well spoken, friendly gentleman who changed after midnight and after 5 Amstel, a bit like Hong Kong Phooey by day a mild mannered janitor but then KAAPOW he changed, so ladies and gentleman this award goes to Phil of Janice and Phil.
My poor little innocent ears were red hot and the air as blue as penguines bum, but janice did put him in his place with every naughty word Phil threw out Janice hit him like Joe Calzaghe in a world title fight, well done janice.

THE "I LOVE SCREAMING ORGASMS" AWARD

This cocktail is becoming of cult status in the resort as it is nothing like you have ever tasted in any other bar and was by far the most popular all season, but this award goes to one table that ordered 24 in 90 mins, have you ever tried to give 24 screaming orgasm in that time? i tell you what, i was sweating and run out cream twice but replenished it quickly so this fine award goes to The Scousers, the reason why i call them this is because there were betwwen 6-8 of them come in every night and i can't remember all their names, it was like a scene from brookside.

THE MOST POLITE CHILDREN AWARD

All season every child i had in to my bar was lovley, no screaming brats, all well mannered and polite and none ever made a scene which is great to see after what i've seen at pools and around the resort but these 4 children used to come into my bar alone until their parents turned up a while later and they were never any trouble and always had drinks with a please and thank you so this award goes to Gav, Damian, Johnny and Steph, their parents Paul and Dawn, Gordon and Joan should be proud to have such good kids but when the 2 couples come out in oct and left the kids at home the text they got off the kids shocked me, but in the kids defence they were left at home and i would also be a bit angry being left in the horrible UK while mum and dad enjoy zakynthos LOL well done kids.

THE AWARD FOR BEST DRAWING IN A BAR

In my bar i have a light thats made out of the x-ray of my chest that i had to have for my medical before i could have my Greek bar licence, the bar was busy as usual and then as i walked out from inside my bar i noticed everyone smiling or laughing at me so i walked back inside, 5 mins later i walked back out to everyone smiling and laughing again until i realised that someone had drawn a AHEMMM male private part on my xray only to find out it was who i thought was a pure young lady who always visits my bar with her mum and dad, shame on you LOL this award goes to Lydia, fortunately it did wipe off clean but i was very impressed with the detail haha.

THE AWARD FOR BEST FOREIGN CUSTOMER IN A DRINKING ROLL

I think the gemtleman was German, maybe Dutch, or Swedish, could have been Finnish but i called him Eric as he looked like Eric Idle but i couldn't say his real name (to many letters in it) it was in october, i had weather proofed my bar from the wind and rain but eric would sit outside at one of my two tables and have a few beers, i would keep a look out to see when he reaised his glass and a fresh one would be taken to him without him having to come inside. I hope he didn't think i was trying to keep him outside LOL but boy he liked the local lager Mythos and i guess if he was from a Scandinavian country it was alot hotter in Greece even in October. Eric has got details of this blog so Eric if your out there buddy this ones for you, i just thought, if he didn't speak english he won't understand this HAHA!

THE AWARD FOR BIGGEST BUDGET FOR A DRINKING EPIC

There was alot of nominations for this award as i had so many drinkers and people stayed in the bar for so many hours each night but there was one family that stood out among all the others and that is Ian, Lisa and the boys. There bar reciept for just one night was as long Paris Hiltons make up list and as big as Dawn French's food shopping bill but they were such a good laugh and the 2 young lads were also great and well mannered. I almost retired after that night.

Well thats it for this years awards we've had some brilliant laughs and some amazing nights and everyone mentioned in the awards will get their first drink this season on the house, unfortunately i can hear Kate Winslet calling me to escort her to the Oscars tonight as her hubby Sam Mendes is at home doing the ironing, so of course i said i would help out but i have told her she's not my type so no tongues on the red carpet, she seemed a bit put out but just cause she lost her ex boyfriend on the Titanic doesn't cut it with me, goodnight, godspeed and if you can't be nice keep your mouth shut LOL

Can you tell i'm bored today!

Well what can i say apart from WALES! WALES! WALES! poor old England but they did play well, apart from crap discipline.


So what have i been up to since the last time i updated my blog, BUGGER ALL! comes the reply, sorry i forgot i've got my UK bar licence, my empire will expand and there shall be an Oceanic next to every Starbucks as i'm rubbish at making coffee but i make a mean hot Choco-Baileys, yes folks you read right and i was the first bar to sell it, so if you fancy a night cap thats the one you want. Well if you like Baileys and hot chocolate it is if you don't well umm, erm, you can have a coffee liquore which Starbucks don't sell so i'm still one up on them.


Today is Sunday and as my readers know i've been brushing up on my cooking skills as Gordon Ramsay called me for some tips as his restaurants are slowly going down the pan "Kevlars kitchen Nightmares".

Kevlar visits Gordon to see where he's going wrong.

Me -"Hi Gordon i'm Kevin right lets look at the menu"

Gordon-"Hi Chef Pinnell glad you could come, i'm desperate please help. What you think?"

Me-"Jesus Gordon, what the f***'s that, grey squirrel with sweet potatoe and ice cream, thats b*****k's, and this for a dessert Cradbury's Cream egg in a egg cup with chocolate button hat, your taking the P**s, what happend to the fresh f***ing, B***dy produce grown and bred by the b****rd local farmers, you stupid a**hole"

Me- "Get out of that f***ing kitchen Gordon let me show you"

OK we're gonna start with a greek dish made with local welsh lamb, I can't use local Greek lamb as Greece 1500 miles away at the moment which isn't really local, Lamb Kleftiko cooked the traditional way with lamb, potaotes, olive oil and oregano wrapped up in grease proof paper to cook in its own juices for 4 hours, better result low heat 24 hours but this is for me cause i'm a greedy pig and want it now.



And here it is before i shovel it down my neck.

For a dessert i couldn't quite decide what to do so i made 2 cakes. First a boiled sultana and cherry cake.

Then a banana victoria sponge cake with a custard and fresh banana filling.

"now grow some balls Gordon and get in that kitchen a cook ya big wuss!"

I'm starting to get my act together with planning my attack on season 2009, the cocktail menu will still have the best sellers but the other cocktails will be unique cocktails to Oceanic Bar only, i have been working on them through the winter and my liver is now due a transplant but i'm sure when you taste them they are well worth my sacrifice, HIC!

All the homemade cakes and pies which i have displayed for you on my blog like a Greggs shop window will also be available in the bar for late night snacks to save you having to ever go back to your hotel. Well i am now stuffed and relaxed after having to try all that food, good job i've lost 7lb in weight.

Gordon Ramsay? Who's that?

Well today its been a lovely day in sunny swansea so i went for my daily 6 mile walk along the beach then decided to bake a pie, a cake and make a stir fry, don't faint now will you!

Back last year i think it was Feb i applied to be on Gordon Ramsays show, i sent in my signature dish which is Malibu Cream Chicken and if i was succesful i would have to cook off against him well i was successful and had to go to bristol on the 5th may to film it but as we all know my bar was open then so i missed out on a chance to cook with one of my heros, good old f*@!ing Gordon b*@!*cks Ramsay. Since then i've been afraid to go back in the kitchen, my hands shook, my confidence with raw ingredients shattered, looking at kitchen utensils used to make me breakdown and cry, so this weekend on sunday i had to battle my demons and get back in kitchen and cook one of the hardest things ever, A JAM SPONGE!

My god what if i didn't make enough sponge mix, is the oven at the right temperature and the worst of all failures which would lead me to cut up my Deliah Smith cook books THE SPONGE DOESN'T RISE AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

I needed some back up so i called for the assistance of the only person that cooks better than anyone else you know of in the whole world, your mum. (Not your mum, my mum, well you know what i mean)

So we started with the hardest task first a jam sponge, take no prisoners, he who dares wins, you got to be in it to win it, to death or glory and all the other make yourself feel good motto's. Also this was the first time i had made a sponge cake so using this strange machine called "weighing scales" was like the caveman when he first saw fire, UGGH, WHAT DAT, IT MOVE, EVIL EVIL!
My method is more subtle, grab a handful of each ingredient, mash it together, make enough for a army base, use a 16th of mixture, bin the rest. Like all great Chefs my mum kept me in check, a quick smack over the head with a spatular and i was back on track. After the sponge survived my confidence flooded back and went on to make a corned beef hash pie and worcester sauce chicken stir fry, So here are the results:-



THE SPONGES HAVE LANDED

THE FINISHED PRODUCT (and it was at first attempt)

THE NEXT MASTERPIECE

MY HOMEMADE CORNED BEEF HASH PIE

MY FAMOUS WORCESTER SAUCE CHICKEN STIR FRY

So if anyone is looking for a traveling chef my rates are very good, better than these so called "CELEB CHEFS".

Heston "arty farty" Blumenthal - The only reason people pay £250 per head at his place is so they can boast "i've ate at The Fat Duck". Its not like you eat snail porridge every day but he cooks it better so thats why you go there, at £250 per head for 5 forks full of food his place should be called "The Anorexic Mallard" you wouldn't leave there full and it would be a month before you could buy any more food.

Jamie "i'm a plastic cockney geezer" Oliver with his new programme "Jamie saves our bacon" where he is going to save british bacon by showing us a piglet being born in the studio then a fully grown pig being used for bacon, WHAT? My favourite Winnie the Pooh Characters were Eeyore and Piglet, Piglet that shy stuttering lovable pink ball of fluff, also who could forget Babe the sheep pig, aawwwww how cute and Jamie is going to show us a piglet being born then hacked up for some streaky bacon. How the hell is that going to help we'll be going AWWWW BLESS and giving up bacon, PUKKA, idiot LOL

Happy christmas, happy new year and the end of my medical research!

I know, i know its taken me long enough to update it but its been a long December and have been pretty busy but now all the madness is over i'm back getting excited already about the new season but before that lets catch up on December.


My medical research was a success and would like to thank all the lovely nurses and doctors at Simbec. They always woke me with a smile and a cold pair of hands ready for the days fun and games. I was judging them on Their bedside manner, number of times they smiled and how deep they poked around for blood in my veins. All the nurses passed with flying colours on the first to accounts but when it came to taking blood samples the odd one made it feel like they were drilling for oil but with a stiff upper lip and back bone of steel i didn't let it show.





Here i am sat in my hospital bed, or so it seems from the way the nurse took the photo.





But she was careful only to take the pic from shoulders up.




I thought i was going in for routine research but in fact i was in for the clonning of nipples for Jordan, Pamela Anderson and Jodie marsh after their boob jobs but as you can see the first atempt went slightly wrong with centre of nipples offset also the colour seems to be a bit extreme.

" I AM A NAME, NOT A NUMBER!"

As you can see there is nothing to worry about doing medical research HAHA!

As for Christmas and New Years Its the usual old thing, lots of unhealthy food and snacks, lots of prezzies and crap TV that we have to pay for. I can remember that a fortnight before christmas we would get the Radio Times and circle the programmes and movies we would want to watch over christmas, now its all repeats or crap shows. I also remember when a show would be shown you either watched it or taped it as it wasn't shown again, now its repeated 3 times in a week or repeated on another channel. If you actually looked at a weeks viewing in the past every day had a complete listing of new programmes but if you looked today i'd say a 1/4 to a 1/3 are repeats, what a con!

Anyway lets back to being positive, the season 09 is only 4 months away and even with britain becoming even more of a dump and the pound to euro being total pants i can't wait to get back to Zakynthos to open my bar and enjoy the beautiful island and its people. I've heard the odd tourist complain that the island is a bit behind the times but let me tell you this, it may be behind the times but the people are alot happier and friendly on the island than in this miserable depressing country we call "Great Britain" although i have noticed the "Great" part of it is not being used so much and just calling it "Britain". What i'm trying to say is the pound may be weak to the euro but i know alot of people who are alot happier on holiday on Zakynthos than at home in the UK, the holidays may coat the same or a bit more but would you prefer to pay over £500 for a week in UK with crap weather and get less food and drink for your pound or eat and drink outside in the warm night air with more for your pound? I know which i'd choose but then again i live there WOOHOO!

Come on in, the foods great!

Well i'm still having research done and my bed now has the shape of my body imprinted on it from laying on it for so long like Homers bum groove on his sofa, i'll be glad to get back to the gym, training and my wii fit.

After visiting a few people in hospital to take them grapes, flowers and lucozade, i always seem to visit at meal time, so being the kind friend i am i always offer to try the food before them in case of poison and all i got to say is that Oliver Twist was lucky that he had gruel. Saying that the food here has been so good with a choice of chips, boiled, mashed or jacket potatoe with your meal.

No breakfast due to having to take tablets first thing in morning, lunch is the same every day 2 filled rolls which you have a choice of 8 fillings i chose 1 tuna and 1 ham salad with a packet of crisps, cup-a-soup and piece of fruit, supper at 9pm is again a nice choice of 5 cereals, pie, pasty, scone, fruit or toasted tea cake but the icing on the cake is dinner at 5pm which is a main meal with dessert.

My meals so far have been homemade steak pie, homemade mince beef pie, pork chop with apple & cheese, lamb burger, roast pork dinner, sweet thai chilli tortilla wrap, Chicken Korma and peppered fillet steak. Dessert have been sticky toffee pudding, pineapple turnover, jam sponge, Mixed fruit and ice cream, rhubarb tart, and all served with custard if wanted.

So what does this mean for me, well i'm having a great time as i love my food but its not good for the waist band all this eating then laying down, if i had to do this for much longer than i am you may end up seeing me on Jerry Springer show "I can't get through my research room doors, help me jerry!"