Can you tell i'm bored today!

Well what can i say apart from WALES! WALES! WALES! poor old England but they did play well, apart from crap discipline.


So what have i been up to since the last time i updated my blog, BUGGER ALL! comes the reply, sorry i forgot i've got my UK bar licence, my empire will expand and there shall be an Oceanic next to every Starbucks as i'm rubbish at making coffee but i make a mean hot Choco-Baileys, yes folks you read right and i was the first bar to sell it, so if you fancy a night cap thats the one you want. Well if you like Baileys and hot chocolate it is if you don't well umm, erm, you can have a coffee liquore which Starbucks don't sell so i'm still one up on them.


Today is Sunday and as my readers know i've been brushing up on my cooking skills as Gordon Ramsay called me for some tips as his restaurants are slowly going down the pan "Kevlars kitchen Nightmares".

Kevlar visits Gordon to see where he's going wrong.

Me -"Hi Gordon i'm Kevin right lets look at the menu"

Gordon-"Hi Chef Pinnell glad you could come, i'm desperate please help. What you think?"

Me-"Jesus Gordon, what the f***'s that, grey squirrel with sweet potatoe and ice cream, thats b*****k's, and this for a dessert Cradbury's Cream egg in a egg cup with chocolate button hat, your taking the P**s, what happend to the fresh f***ing, B***dy produce grown and bred by the b****rd local farmers, you stupid a**hole"

Me- "Get out of that f***ing kitchen Gordon let me show you"

OK we're gonna start with a greek dish made with local welsh lamb, I can't use local Greek lamb as Greece 1500 miles away at the moment which isn't really local, Lamb Kleftiko cooked the traditional way with lamb, potaotes, olive oil and oregano wrapped up in grease proof paper to cook in its own juices for 4 hours, better result low heat 24 hours but this is for me cause i'm a greedy pig and want it now.



And here it is before i shovel it down my neck.

For a dessert i couldn't quite decide what to do so i made 2 cakes. First a boiled sultana and cherry cake.

Then a banana victoria sponge cake with a custard and fresh banana filling.

"now grow some balls Gordon and get in that kitchen a cook ya big wuss!"

I'm starting to get my act together with planning my attack on season 2009, the cocktail menu will still have the best sellers but the other cocktails will be unique cocktails to Oceanic Bar only, i have been working on them through the winter and my liver is now due a transplant but i'm sure when you taste them they are well worth my sacrifice, HIC!

All the homemade cakes and pies which i have displayed for you on my blog like a Greggs shop window will also be available in the bar for late night snacks to save you having to ever go back to your hotel. Well i am now stuffed and relaxed after having to try all that food, good job i've lost 7lb in weight.

Gordon Ramsay? Who's that?

Well today its been a lovely day in sunny swansea so i went for my daily 6 mile walk along the beach then decided to bake a pie, a cake and make a stir fry, don't faint now will you!

Back last year i think it was Feb i applied to be on Gordon Ramsays show, i sent in my signature dish which is Malibu Cream Chicken and if i was succesful i would have to cook off against him well i was successful and had to go to bristol on the 5th may to film it but as we all know my bar was open then so i missed out on a chance to cook with one of my heros, good old f*@!ing Gordon b*@!*cks Ramsay. Since then i've been afraid to go back in the kitchen, my hands shook, my confidence with raw ingredients shattered, looking at kitchen utensils used to make me breakdown and cry, so this weekend on sunday i had to battle my demons and get back in kitchen and cook one of the hardest things ever, A JAM SPONGE!

My god what if i didn't make enough sponge mix, is the oven at the right temperature and the worst of all failures which would lead me to cut up my Deliah Smith cook books THE SPONGE DOESN'T RISE AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

I needed some back up so i called for the assistance of the only person that cooks better than anyone else you know of in the whole world, your mum. (Not your mum, my mum, well you know what i mean)

So we started with the hardest task first a jam sponge, take no prisoners, he who dares wins, you got to be in it to win it, to death or glory and all the other make yourself feel good motto's. Also this was the first time i had made a sponge cake so using this strange machine called "weighing scales" was like the caveman when he first saw fire, UGGH, WHAT DAT, IT MOVE, EVIL EVIL!
My method is more subtle, grab a handful of each ingredient, mash it together, make enough for a army base, use a 16th of mixture, bin the rest. Like all great Chefs my mum kept me in check, a quick smack over the head with a spatular and i was back on track. After the sponge survived my confidence flooded back and went on to make a corned beef hash pie and worcester sauce chicken stir fry, So here are the results:-



THE SPONGES HAVE LANDED

THE FINISHED PRODUCT (and it was at first attempt)

THE NEXT MASTERPIECE

MY HOMEMADE CORNED BEEF HASH PIE

MY FAMOUS WORCESTER SAUCE CHICKEN STIR FRY

So if anyone is looking for a traveling chef my rates are very good, better than these so called "CELEB CHEFS".

Heston "arty farty" Blumenthal - The only reason people pay £250 per head at his place is so they can boast "i've ate at The Fat Duck". Its not like you eat snail porridge every day but he cooks it better so thats why you go there, at £250 per head for 5 forks full of food his place should be called "The Anorexic Mallard" you wouldn't leave there full and it would be a month before you could buy any more food.

Jamie "i'm a plastic cockney geezer" Oliver with his new programme "Jamie saves our bacon" where he is going to save british bacon by showing us a piglet being born in the studio then a fully grown pig being used for bacon, WHAT? My favourite Winnie the Pooh Characters were Eeyore and Piglet, Piglet that shy stuttering lovable pink ball of fluff, also who could forget Babe the sheep pig, aawwwww how cute and Jamie is going to show us a piglet being born then hacked up for some streaky bacon. How the hell is that going to help we'll be going AWWWW BLESS and giving up bacon, PUKKA, idiot LOL

Happy christmas, happy new year and the end of my medical research!

I know, i know its taken me long enough to update it but its been a long December and have been pretty busy but now all the madness is over i'm back getting excited already about the new season but before that lets catch up on December.


My medical research was a success and would like to thank all the lovely nurses and doctors at Simbec. They always woke me with a smile and a cold pair of hands ready for the days fun and games. I was judging them on Their bedside manner, number of times they smiled and how deep they poked around for blood in my veins. All the nurses passed with flying colours on the first to accounts but when it came to taking blood samples the odd one made it feel like they were drilling for oil but with a stiff upper lip and back bone of steel i didn't let it show.





Here i am sat in my hospital bed, or so it seems from the way the nurse took the photo.





But she was careful only to take the pic from shoulders up.




I thought i was going in for routine research but in fact i was in for the clonning of nipples for Jordan, Pamela Anderson and Jodie marsh after their boob jobs but as you can see the first atempt went slightly wrong with centre of nipples offset also the colour seems to be a bit extreme.

" I AM A NAME, NOT A NUMBER!"

As you can see there is nothing to worry about doing medical research HAHA!

As for Christmas and New Years Its the usual old thing, lots of unhealthy food and snacks, lots of prezzies and crap TV that we have to pay for. I can remember that a fortnight before christmas we would get the Radio Times and circle the programmes and movies we would want to watch over christmas, now its all repeats or crap shows. I also remember when a show would be shown you either watched it or taped it as it wasn't shown again, now its repeated 3 times in a week or repeated on another channel. If you actually looked at a weeks viewing in the past every day had a complete listing of new programmes but if you looked today i'd say a 1/4 to a 1/3 are repeats, what a con!

Anyway lets back to being positive, the season 09 is only 4 months away and even with britain becoming even more of a dump and the pound to euro being total pants i can't wait to get back to Zakynthos to open my bar and enjoy the beautiful island and its people. I've heard the odd tourist complain that the island is a bit behind the times but let me tell you this, it may be behind the times but the people are alot happier and friendly on the island than in this miserable depressing country we call "Great Britain" although i have noticed the "Great" part of it is not being used so much and just calling it "Britain". What i'm trying to say is the pound may be weak to the euro but i know alot of people who are alot happier on holiday on Zakynthos than at home in the UK, the holidays may coat the same or a bit more but would you prefer to pay over £500 for a week in UK with crap weather and get less food and drink for your pound or eat and drink outside in the warm night air with more for your pound? I know which i'd choose but then again i live there WOOHOO!

Come on in, the foods great!

Well i'm still having research done and my bed now has the shape of my body imprinted on it from laying on it for so long like Homers bum groove on his sofa, i'll be glad to get back to the gym, training and my wii fit.

After visiting a few people in hospital to take them grapes, flowers and lucozade, i always seem to visit at meal time, so being the kind friend i am i always offer to try the food before them in case of poison and all i got to say is that Oliver Twist was lucky that he had gruel. Saying that the food here has been so good with a choice of chips, boiled, mashed or jacket potatoe with your meal.

No breakfast due to having to take tablets first thing in morning, lunch is the same every day 2 filled rolls which you have a choice of 8 fillings i chose 1 tuna and 1 ham salad with a packet of crisps, cup-a-soup and piece of fruit, supper at 9pm is again a nice choice of 5 cereals, pie, pasty, scone, fruit or toasted tea cake but the icing on the cake is dinner at 5pm which is a main meal with dessert.

My meals so far have been homemade steak pie, homemade mince beef pie, pork chop with apple & cheese, lamb burger, roast pork dinner, sweet thai chilli tortilla wrap, Chicken Korma and peppered fillet steak. Dessert have been sticky toffee pudding, pineapple turnover, jam sponge, Mixed fruit and ice cream, rhubarb tart, and all served with custard if wanted.

So what does this mean for me, well i'm having a great time as i love my food but its not good for the waist band all this eating then laying down, if i had to do this for much longer than i am you may end up seeing me on Jerry Springer show "I can't get through my research room doors, help me jerry!"

The Pants Factor!

Now i haven't been following The Pants Factor, sorry X Factor but from the songs i've seen Alex is by far the best and does have a voice, as for the other karaoke rejects i must be watching different singers as non i would pay to see live apart from alex maybe, all the others seem to be out of key, bad pitch and basically pub acts in a few months time. These programmes have become more about the judges and the quick mega bucks the judges make from the short term sale of the winner,

Lets look back over legends of pop that have won these shows:-

Pop Idol winner Will Young,first winner of singing talent show and the boys done well.

Popstars winners Hearsay, Did well with first CD and singles released but now as a band are no more.

Pop idol 2 winner Michelle Mcmanus, No 1 with show's winning song then back to the check out girl, someone needs the price for a cabbage in the vegetable aisle.

Popstars The Rivals winners Girls Aloud, still going strong due to the different styles of songs they release, not all bubblegum pop or ballads and doing a few cover versions of popular songs helps, as for the boy band winners One True Voice they didn't even get a number 1 and lasted about 2 months, they were that memorable i had to be reminded by Fran (a facebook friend & regular customer) that they even existed.

X factor 1 winner Steve Brookstein, hit with first song then playing at a pub near you.

X factor 2 winner Shane Ward had a few hits and was touted as the british Justin Timberlake, i think they were misheard, that should have been touted as will be selling Justin Timberlake in HMV in a year.

X factor 3 Leona Lewis i myself am not a fan but credit where credits due she has a amazing voice and a good PR team backing her that helps alot,her songs all sound very much alike and when she went up tempo it was her lowest charting song, i think her live concert would be a bit depressing with all those ballads.

X factor 4 Leon Jackson again No1 with show winners song but was beaten by a micky take of the show sung by Geraldine (aka Peter Kay) when he released his second single.

So far Only 3 out of 8 winners have been succesful and i don't think the winner of this years X factor will be long term success but if you look back over the winners the 5 that never made it weren't given as much backing as the other 3 with PR and managment, just look at Leona Lewis Simon Cowell has pushed her so much and got her all the best song writers and backing in the music business if the others had been given the same attention i'm sure they would have lasted longer than they did.

But its the real artists i feel sorry for, the ones who write their own songs and music, that travel around the uk playing bars and clubs all year to get seen, that travel and sleep in clapped out transit vans, these people work hard to become famous and these circus of shows on TV hand it to these wedding singer wannabes on a plate,

Keep music live and loud, get rid of these crap talent singing shows.

And so the medical research begins!

Well i'm in for my medical research and only a day in to it and i've had more needles than a porcupine and more blood extracted than Dracula after a hunger strike. Saying that its all cool, can have my mobile on, got my laptop here with wifi, sky, 3 meals a day but no breakfast.

Down side, can drink water only, sticky pads left on me all day for constant heart and blood pressure monitoring, plastic cover under my sheet on mattress which makes so much noise its like i'm wearing a carrier bag (i'm 40 not 5), And i have to pee in to a bottle every time i go apart from first thing in the morning which is a good job as my aim ain't that good at 7am.

I suppose its like a holiday camp but with needles, blood, pee and nurses in blue tunics instead of red coats. So more like the holiday camp in "friday the 13th"

Update on day 7.

Its winter blog time!

Well i've been home just over 2 weeks and god is this country cold. If i don't have my central heating on i have to share my bedroom with a polar bear and a penguin.

As a few of you know during the christmas period i'm one of santas little helpers, and just because i'm short that doesn't make me an elf, i'm refering to working at Toys R Us nightshift. I have to be honset with you i'm not that thrilled at the toys i have to play with, i mean work with this year. There are no toys that i can train as each night goes on to roll over, sit or wag its tail, also there are no toys this year that you can teach words (sorry to which ever child had the talking Elmo with swear words, i couldn't help myself). So for me this christmas its just work, work, work.

So far since i arrived back home i've visited 5 dog shelters to look for a poor dog that needs a loving home but as of yet not found the right one as none can hoover, wash dishes or cook a good stir fry so my search continues, i've watched crufts a few times and seen the utility dogs but i don't think they're trained that well as i've never seen one of them ever pay a utility bill.

So what do i do to apart from work and look for a dog during the cold winter months, well this winter i have a wii fit to keep me going, god i didn't know my body was that stiff but its getting better, on my first go it works out the age of your fitness and mine was 40 which isn't bad considering i'm 40 haha well done for working that out. You can choose which fitness instructor you would like, male or female i chose a female instructor not for me to perv over but there's something not right about 2 men alone in a room exercising and one of the guys saying "now bend over".

So now my winter blog is off and running you won't have to wait long for the next update to keep you going till the next season and chapter in the life of Oceanic.